I Feel .............. Pathetic

I don't know if I will be able to, but I am going to try to convey just how pathetic I feel today. (B.T.W. I'm not after sympathy or platitudes, I am just venting and maybe searching for an answer):

I spent the whole day doing nothing because I have no friends locally to do anything with. I felt like I should go out tonight as it is Saturday and that is what "normal" people do on a Saturday.
I was really bloated from my dinner, though I still felt an obligation to myself to go out as I don't get may weekends off, so I should make the most of it.
Just as I was leaving for my night out I realised that I had forgotten to pick up my dry cleaning today, which means that I have no trousers to wear for work tomorrow night. Therefore, I will have to get up earlier than expected tomorrow to hunt down Oxford Street for a pair of black trousers, that I really do not need, to tide me over until Monday when I can collect mine from the dry cleaners. Realising this made me even less inclined to go out, but I still did.

I got to Rupert Street, the only bar I feel remotely comfortable drinking alone in, and it was really quiet. I was bored within 15 minutes, but decided to give it at least 2 drinks before I came home. It eventually began to get busier, on and off, and there were even a few guys that I fancied, about 5 in total. I had gone from bored, when there were no guys I fancied, to hopeful, when one of the 5 even gave me a big smile and said "hello". He was good looking with big muscles, so I knew he was out of my league, especially as he was with another cute, very muscular guy. But just the fact that he had smiled and acknowledged me had reassured me.
After a third drink and being too impatient to wait at the packed bar for a fourth, I headed off to Barcode (mainly so that I didn't have to pay to get in, as I wasn't expecting to stay long).
In Barcode only one of the many guys I had been looking at in Rupert Street turned up, though there were a few others there towards the time I left that were also very nice, though they were so obviously gym bunnies and so not the type I would have any chance with.
The one that I really liked, who had also been in Rupert Street, was so blatantly not interested in me though. Either I was so far off his radar that I hadn't even registered, or he had seen me staring at him and was totally ignoring me. Either way I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere with him. Pity, as all I was looking for tonight was good conversation and a laugh!
What really pissed me off though, after spending about 2 hours more than I should have out in town, was at around 23:30 I was stood in the upstairs bar of Barcode, finally having gotten this sexy fucker out of my head when, lo and behold, he comes walking across the whole bar to talk to me. I thought, for one fleeting second that I had been totally wrong about him and that he really did like me. He asked me if I had some gum I could spare, he had obviously seen me chewing, so I gave him some gum, and then he disappeared without so much as his name or a shake of my hand. Next thing I know, he is back over the other side of the bar, doing the "hands in each others back pockets" thing with another cute guy. That really pissed me off and made me feel even more pathetic than I was already feeling. I finished my drink and came home.
I managed, somehow, to hold off my tears until I got into the flat and then they flooded out. I feel even more pathetic admitting that, but I do like to be honest on here.
All I want in life is someone special to share my time with. If there can't be a special someone then I would like a nice group of friends to spend time with. At the moment I don't have either. I feel totally alone sometimes and it really is pathetic! I am getting to the point where I feel like I should accept the advances of anyone who makes them, as I am feeling so lonely. Though I know I should wait until I meet someone who ticks, at least, most of my boxes. I just haven't met anyone who even comes close.
I am at the point now, where I feel like I have no choice but to go and join a gym, because that seems to be the only way that I will ever attract anyone, by looking exactly the same as they do!
I don't have a complex about my looks, though I did for a long time when I was younger. I know that I am not a bad looking guy and sometimes I can even look fucking hot!! But that doesn't seem to matter with some people if you don't wear the right clothes, go to the right gym, drink the right drink etc etc etc. I do wonder what the point is sometimes. I'm not really depressed, as such, so don't worry. I am just really tired, emotional and fed up with never being able to get "it" right. Life is far too complicated for me. I never seem to be able to manage the things that other people take for granted, like dating and relationships. Just once I would like to feel normal about these things, to be part of a couple, at least for a little while (preferably more than 3 months, which is the length of my one and only relationship in my 37 years on this planet! See what I mean about pathetic).

Word of the day (week, month, year, decade, life ........): PATHETIC. Look in the dictionary for the description and you will see a picture of me!