Too Much Thinking

I've only gone and got myself into a depressive funk now, haven't I?
I thought that I would make the most of the great weather, while we still have it, and grabbed a book, bought some sandwiches and went and sat on a bench out in the middle of the Barbican.
I am in the middle of reading Michael Tolliver Lives, the latest in the Tales of the City universe. I am at the point where Michael, and his husband Ben, are visiting Michael's mother as she is close to death. He describes it as visiting his biological family, as opposed to his logical one. Biological being the family you are born into, and logical being the one you choose and surround yourself with.

This got me down on two levels, especially with the fact that I am visiting my biological family tomorrow:

One, because I know that, even though it is great seeing my family and knowing that they are all well and happy. I know that there will be virtually no mention of my sexuality. No one will ask if I am seeing someone, or understand if I explain to them that I am missing Soho Live for their benefit. One of my nephews will inevitably describe something he doesn't like as "gay." And I will feel pretty much the same way as when I moved away from them to be myself back in 1994.

And two, because, unlike Michael, I don't have a logical family. I don't like the people I work with. I don't want to spend time with the people I share the flat with. And I have very few friends in total.

The only people I would describe as my logical family are Alexis and Francis and I left them behind when I moved away from Torquay (the place that I had moved to to escape my biologicals).
My family may ask what I have been up to, which is something that I get asked every time I see someone I've not seen for a while. And my answer is always the same: Nothing.
I do nothing.
I go nowhere.
I know (almost) no one.

I am slowly making changes to improve my life, but it is hard going on my own. I have paid off my debts, which is a massive thing that I am glad of and also proud about. But most of the changes I want to make depend on me finding a new job, which I feel like I have little control over (I know a lot of people would disagree with this statement, but I have changed my C.V. so many times and no version seems to get me an interview!).
I don't want to move until I know where I will be working (and what hours). I don't really want to join a gym either as there is no knowing if there will be a gym of the same group where I move to (though I will join a gym soon, probably a Virgin Active or Fitness First as they are everywhere, and I'll just hope for the best).
And, once I've changed jobs, and I'm working the same sort of hours as most "normal" people, then I can start to make more plans and meet up with the few friends that I do have in London more often.
I'm just impatient for this "new life" to begin as I am fed up of my old one. It all hangs on me getting a new job. That is what I need the most. Well, that and someone's strong chest to rest my head against.