Who's On-Line Now?

Sunday 26 September 2010

A Need to be Held

Work last night has got me on a bit of a downer and the episode of Sex and the City that I've just watched didn't help. It was the one where Miranda's mother dies. It reminded me of when my mum died. Miranda doesn't have a "date" for the funeral and so, after the service is walking down the aisle out of the church all on her own.
When the service had finished for my mum I wanted to get a hug from someone. Unfortunately my eldest sister, Lynn was in the arms of her husband. My brother, Kevin, was with his wife. And even my other sister Maxine, whose (first and now ex-) husband was unsociable, and hadn't been in the hall for the service, was outside waiting for her. I remember standing there, outside among the flower tributes turning in a full circle looking for someone there to support me and there not being anyone. I walked over to a bench on the other side of the pathway, sat down and just bawled my eyes out to myself. And I felt guilty because I was feeling sorry for myself when I should have been thinking about mum.
The really sad thing is that my mum died 12 years ago and I still have no one to give me a hug and haven't had in all the time in between.
Sometimes you just need a hug. Sometimes that is ALL you need.

Friday 24 September 2010

Do I? Or Don't I?

It is almost half five in the afternoon and I am undecided as to whether I am going to go out tonight. If I do go out I won't be leaving until about 20:00 so I have a couple of hours. I haven't been out for ages, as I mentioned yesterday, so I could do with getting out (I'm going a bit stir crazy). I swallowed my pride and once again asked if Tim fancied a drink tonight. Unfortunately, but not totally unexpectedly, he isn't able to as he is driving back from Cardiff tonight. I don't really have anyone else that I can call as a drinking buddy (anyone else I could phone would also expect sex, which I am not interested in with any of them).
I shall decide in a while, my potential outfits are ready to go if I do decide I want to risk it. I'll let you know.

Thursday 23 September 2010

Need To Socialise

I think I really need to get out. I've (stupidly) just worked out that I've not been out for over a month (21st August) when I went to the gym with Zek and then we went for a meal. I'd gone out the night before in Soho but that was on my own. The last time I actually went out for drinks (not on my own) was 25th July, that's almost 2 months ago now! So I think I am due a night out. I just have to work out if I am going to be out alone or if I risk the possible futility of asking my friends if they are free!

Friday 17 September 2010

Merry Christmas

Talking to two of my colleagues at the end of my shift today (the only time I get to chat with anyone really in my job) I was told by them that my employers will only be paying single time for Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Years Day this year as the all fall on the weekend and are not "officially" Bank Holidays. I am trying to get too stressed about this until I can verify their claims (you know how inaccurate work gossip can be).
If this is in fact the case I am not going to be very happy as I am scheduled to work ALL of these and I absolutely refuse to do that for my normal wage. I'm probably going to have to wait until Monday now (at the earliest) before I will be able to confirm if this rumour is true or not. I'll keep you updated.

Thursday 16 September 2010

Tease

I don't know if you recall me telling you about the sexy guy working in the letting agency across the road from my flat, well this afternoon I was stood at my window and he caught my eye, yet again, and then he stepped back into his doorway and stroked his finger across his cock. A big smile came across my face and when he saw that so did he. After a bit more flirting and smiling and a couple more strokes of his cock I decided to take the initiative again and went over there. He was there on his own, hence the flirting, and told me he could come over to mine in about an hour.
I came back home and had a quick tidy up. When he came over about 40 minutes later, he was very wary of anyone seeing him. Once in my room he dropped his trousers and told me to suck him off. That was all he wanted to do, nothing for me.
I obliged, as I was feeling horny and thought I might be able to persuade him to do something more. Not a chance. He had to rush off, so as soon as he'd finished, we'd finished!
Then came the punchline, he said to me: "There you go, you got what you wanted at last!" Lucky me, eh? What a dick! Shame he was so cute, nicely built and packed! I get the feeling that it is not going to be a regular thing! Though, as that is all he wants, it means that I don't have to feel guilty about flirting with other guys from my window.

Wednesday 15 September 2010

Better Work-Out

I went to the gym again this afternoon and made sure that I had a better work-out. I focused on my arms and chest again, to make up for yesterday. I worked hard, taking shorter rest and doing up to 3 different sets together to keep my interest up (i.e. 10 x dumbbell chest presses, 10 x barbell raises and then 20 x leg raises). I still only worked out for an hour, but I felt that I had achieved more (though I am still not aching as much as when I work out with Zek, then again I didn't do any heavy barbell work).
I'm not feeling as bad as yesterday, but I am still on a downer. I really need to get out.

Tuesday 14 September 2010

Damn Downers

I was half-way through my workout at the gym today and suddenly was hit by a downer. It was as instant at that. One minute I was doing my Cable Chest Flye exercises and I saw Nick chatting to Lee just 10 feet away and neither was acknowledging me, in fact Nick managed to avoid eye-contact the whole time I was there. I suddenly was reminded that outside of work, shop staff and my flatmates, I have not spoken to anyone for weeks (other than Zek). F*ck!ng pathetic, eh?
I tried to carry on with my routine but from then on I just couldn't be bothered. I thought that I could possibly be distracted by some sex in the sauna / steam room, but there was no one decent about (and I wasn't in the mood to hang around for potentially nothing) so I came home and have been moping around ever since.
Now I'm trying to keep myself busy to take my mind off the downer, so I'm not going to go on about it any more. Let's hope it fades fast.

Saturday 11 September 2010

Michele Ann Nelson

Michele Ann Nelson
7th December 1973 – 11th September 2001


Michele Ann Nelson was a benefits specialist, working in the Human Resources department of Cantor Fitzgerald in the World Trade Center. She had been there since 2000.
Michele formerly worked at J & W Seligman and County Seat Stores and lived in Valley Stream, New York.
She left behind a younger sister – Monique, and her mother – Mrs Winsome Nelson, along with a vast network of family and friends.

Some words used frequently to describe Michele were:
Beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, thoughtful, caring, punctual, giving, forgiving, positive, & spiritual.
Once again, for me, it is difficult writing an honest tribute to someone who I never got the chance to meet.
The overwhelming impression I get from the tributes that I have seen and the thoughts that have been written, is that of an incredibly caring person who always thought of others. Whether it was giving good advice to someone considering quitting college, or kind words on the death of a co-worker’s relative, she made a difference just by being her own caring self. She is an example that we should all follow.

Michele seemed to make an impact on the lives of everyone that she met. Even brief acquaintances were influenced by her shining example of how to live life. Even now, 8 years on, her example is being spread via her family and friends, and via tributes on the internet that give a multitude of examples of the kindness, generosity and her incredibly caring nature.
Excelling in her studies at school, graduating from Pennsylvania State University, then Baruch College of the City, Michele was constantly trying to improve her skills, shown also by her attendance of New York Restaurant School, from which she posthumously graduated in December ‘01.
I think that we can all learn from the example that Michele set during her brief life. She had a mantra that she would repeat three times a day:

"This is the day the Lord had made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."


Please take time to read tributes left to Michele and her family at Legacy.com and at the memorial site set up by Cantor Fitzgerald. And don't forget all the other victims of that terrible day, all of whom will be paid tribute to via Project 2996.

Michael John Cahill

Michael John Cahill

I originally honoured Michael John Cahill in 2006 for the Project: 2996 tribute and have been granted the honour again. As before, I hope this tribute honours him as much he deserves. Grief is such a personal thing it affects us all in different ways. Grief can affect you for people you do not know as well as those you do. I have experienced a fair amount of loss in my life, but you can never truly equate your loss with that of someone else. It is also difficult to pay tribute to someone you didn’t know and never met. All you can do is research and hope you get all the facts straight.

Michael John Cahill was in Tower 1 of the World Trade Centre, based on the 99th floor. This floor was in the upper area of where the first plane hit the tower.
I can’t even begin to imagine what Colleen, his wife, must have been thinking when she first heard the news and saw the pictures.
Michael was 37 years old and, from what I can tell, a REAL family man. He had a wife he loved and two young kids who he loved spending time with and wanted to be a good role model for. To this end he rejoined his high school cross country running team as its captain, as he believed that sports were important in their development.
Michael worked hard, often out of his house for more than 12 hours and regularly taking work home with him, but his family knew that it was all for them. Colleen, his wife said, "We knew we came first. He would always make a point to tell me, 'I know it's hard for you being home with the kids,' so he would always make time to be with them so I could take a break."
Even his sister, Denise Troise, was amazed at her brother’s devotion to his family, saying “I can’t even imagine a more dedicated father and husband.”
He was known for his weekend barbecues which usually brought together his close-knit family, neighbours and friends.

Posthumously, Michael has been awarded a promotion to Managing Director by his firm, Marsh & McLennan. He has also been awarded the Dean Award from St John’s University Law School, from which he graduated in 1991.
But, possibly the most telling award made to this loving family man is the bench and plaque placed in his East Williston village green by his friends and neighbours, and the fact that around 1000 friends attended the memorial mass at St Aidan’s Roman Catholic Church in Williston Park.
Jim & Evelyn be proud of your son, you must have done good raising him.
Colleen be proud of your husband, you picked a good one. One who loved you enough to spend time away from you to provide the things you needed and deserved.
Connor & Fiona, be proud of your daddy. He was a good man. Ask your family about him. Find out all that you can and fix him in your mind, that way, he will always be with you.

You will never forget.
We will never forget.
Michael John Cahill
Please don't forget to check out Project 2996 for all the other tributes that have been made today to honour those who died on that awful day.

Brandhorst-Gamboa Family

Daniel Brandhorst / Ronald Gamboa / David Gamboa-Brandhorst

On this horrid anniversary the story of the Brandhorst-Gamboa family is both a heart-rending one. Daniel and Ronald met about 13 years prior to 9/11 while living on the US east coast. When Daniel got transferred to a Pricewaterhouse/Cooper office in Los Angeles, the couple moved to facilitate this and with Ronald eventually settling as a manager of The Gap store in Santa Monica.
The couple adopted a son, David, through a surrogate mother, looking after her during the pregnancy, birth and afterwards. Initially needing some help as all new parents so, they quickly settled in to become natural parents, Daniel becoming "Papa" and Ronald "Daddy" to the beautiful, bright, energetic and very caring young boy. Daniel was variously described as happy, inspirational, a good friend and generous, but was also the "serious one" in the relationship. Ronald was the joker who could apparently "make a rainy day look happy." Both parents have inspired their co-workers to greater things and are remembered fondly by many of them, some of whom have had their lives changed dramatically by the advice given by the two men. The one thing that can be taken from this terrible day is that in the end the loving family were together.

I would have been honoured to meet the trio who, even though they are gone, stand as examples to show the bigots still out there that a family is what individuals make it and does not need to be formulaic or standardised. Some of the best families are those which are chosen, not moulded. The Brandhorst-Gamboas are fine examples of all that a family can and should be and should be used as role models for gay marriage, gay adoption, happiness and good parenting.


To read an incredibly touching tribute to David Gamboa-Brandhorst please visit here.
Please also visit 2996 Project to read about all the other victims of this terrible day. Every one has a story.

Thursday 9 September 2010

American Girl in Italy

I noticed yesterday that my landlord has put up a new picture in the living room (which us residents hardly use any more). It is an apparently famous photo called "American Girl in Italy" by Ruth Orkin and I found it quite oppressive and offensive, but also thought that it actually suited my landlord quite well, mirroring his treatment of women (he happens to be Italian too). I really do not like looking at the photo, but have to post it here to show you what I mean:

Horny & Frustrated

I was feeling horny last night, probably because I had wanted to go out but didn't and because I'd been bored for days (and had no action at the gym this week at all). Today I am feeling even more horny, despite watching some porn last night. Having the gorgeous guy from the letting agency across the road look up at me in my window and smiling, and a fit black guy in the gym looking across and waving at me in the other window while he was cycling isn't helping. The gym guy, who I've seen before, I can't get to as I'm not a member of that gym and I won't know when he is leaving. The letting agency guy walked on past when I tried to talk to him before.
I really need to have some fun at the gym later with a very sexy guy (instead of an "okay you'll have to do" guy), as I don't want to still be feeling horny when I am at work tonight, as I have absolutely no outlet for my frustrations there (as I have no internet, not even the non-naughty kind, and only ugly co-workers).

Wednesday 8 September 2010

Bloody Weather

I am incredibly bored and lonely again. It's so bad that I had decided to go out on my own tonight, even though I had said I wouldn't do that again. But upon leaving the gym this afternoon I discovered that it was absolutely tipping it down outside. I am not going out on my own AND getting drenched at the same time. And tonight was my last chance at going out this week, I'm on nights from tomorrow. How f*ck*ng annoying!

Tuesday 7 September 2010

Too Much?

I did my usual abs workout this morning when I got up and then got a text from Zek asking if I was still on for going to his gym (the Moorgate one) tonight at 18:10 (when he finished work). He'd mentioned it on Sunday, but I had assumed that he meant next week. I agreed to meet him, but then after my aborted trip to the West-End I had nothing else to do so I decided to go to my gym and do a cardio session. I was only in there for 45 minutes as I didn't want to overdo it today.
I met Zek outside the Moorgate gym and he swiped me in on his card (I should have paid to get in as my membership only covers the one gym). It is a massive gym, all above-ground (which seems unusual for a gym) and is very smart and open-planned, but this isn't a plus point for me as I like my privacy when I'm working out. It was really busy, being just after work time and so there were people waiting for machines and benches etc. I just felt like I was in the way, so didn't really enjoy myself. And there wasn't even a steam room or sauna (or at least not all-male ones).
The only real plus point of this little trip was that I got to see Josh Lewsey (former England rugby player and stunningly sexy guy) who was running a training session there. He is as gorgeous in person as he looks in photoshoots. Very nice indeed.

Actually none of these pictures do him justice.

Instant Downer

I was really bored yesterday, wishing I had gone out last night until I saw it was pissing down with rain. this morning I was up fairly early, did my abs exercises, showered, dressed and put some washing on. I was then bored again, so I decided to go into town and treat myself to some clothes and a couple of comics. By this time it was bright sunshine outside and the clouds looked like they were clearing so I walked down to the tube station (St Paul's) dressed in trousers and t-shirt. It then started to rain slightly, even though there were almost no clouds in the sky. The tube was closed (I'd forgotten that there was a strike again today), the roads were chock-a-block so I really didn't fancy a 40 minute bus-ride (when the tube takes 5 minutes), so I walked home as the rain became heavier. Luckily I got home just as it started tipping it down. It's a miserable frikkin' day and therefore.... instant downer!
All I have to look forward to today is the gym (and when I'm in this frame of mind that is not always enjoyable either).

Monday 6 September 2010

I Need To Get Out


I really want to get out. To go out for a couple of drinks and a good chat with someone interesting, or even better someone I care about. Normally (lately) I end up going out on my own and I'm pretty sick of it. When I do go out on my own, the only people I usually get to talk to are the barmen. It's not always a bad thing, as some of them are really hot, but they never really want anything more than a good tip!

9/11 - Help Required

Like last year I've realised late that 9/11 is coming up again. I checked out the 2996 Project to see if they needed any more tributes this year and unfortunately they need loads.
So, if any of you bloggers out there have some spare time, can do some research on someone you don't know and would like to post a tribute to one of those victims of that atrocity that don't currently have a tribute then check out the site, register for a name and post your tribute on 11th September on your blog. Please help this projet out as there are still over 200 people without tributes this year still.
Thanks for "listening."

Friday 3 September 2010

Boooooooorrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddd

Slow day at work!
Even slower than normal.
I spent approximately 10 hours sat in the control room with no one to talk to, except for the occasional "interruption" which lasted about 3 minutes each. It was so annoying and the day went so slowly. I was getting more and more frustrated and if anyone had said anything to criticise or annoy me I would have walked out. I was that fed up.

I did manage to speak to my manager about getting us a pay rise, especially with the big rise in my rent, not that it will do any good. I also aired my frustrations about the fact that the relief guards we keep getting keep letting us down. It is even more annoying because a former work colleague of mine, Paul, wants a full time job, but my employers won't even interview him as they say they have to give all their relief guards first crack at the job. Unfortunately all the relief guards we've had so far have been useless, lazy and are the ones who have resulted in us losing privileges.

Tomorrow is my last shift of this set and I have to work with a guard that I hate and a relief guard who thinks sitting at the reception desk is too complicated for him and isn't trained anywhere else! It better go quicker than today otherwise someone is going to get massacred!

Wednesday 1 September 2010

The Flat

I got home from work today to find a hand-written letter on the "doorstep" of my room. It was from my landlord (the organ grinder, not the monkey), telling me that my rent has gone up to £575 (from £500) from today! This is on top of an increase just before Christmas (when we were still under the previous landlord).
I knew it was going up, they told us (again by letter) last month when they asked for the rent 4 days early, but hadn't said how much it was going up.
I think it is a bit out of order saying your rent is now x-amount from today, not giving any notice. So, I'm not going to be paying the higher amount until next month unless they can give me some guarantees that things will be changing for the better very soon. Alex, one of my flatmates, has already told me that he isn't paying the higher amount until next month either. He wants a house meeting with them so that we can get our grievances out in the open and dealt with.
I really hate living here, if I didn't like the view from and size of my room I would not be able to bear it.