I'm not the only one

With my depression seeming back, after slowly creeping back over the last 4 months, I am trying to find ways of dealing with it. It is really difficult, especially when you are on a real downer, all you want to do is get out! And then when you are up, it can barely cross your mind so! I have done absolutely nothing toward finding a new job for myself. I really don't know where to start. I'm putting off talking to my old boss, as I don't really want to go back there, but my options are ZERO at the moment other than that!

A few months back I found a link to the blog site of Erik Rhodes, Slipping Away, who was not long ago one of my Top Ten Men, and still is one of the most attractive guys around. He has the All-American Boy-Next-Door looks that turn me on and muscles too!

At the time I was just looking for horny pictures and so didn't read what he had taken the time to write (I guess that is what happens a lot with blogs!). I recently went back and began to read what he was "talking" about and found that he is suffering badly at the moment with his own depression.

I knew that a lot of porn guys end up topping themselves, either on purpose or through drug "miscalculations", but I never really took the time to think about it much. Reading a blog gives you the impression of getting to know someone and reading Erik's is like reading a goodbye letter, it is so sad.

He has had offers of help from others on his comments etc., but seems to believe that everyone is just after a bit of the fame. I can't blame him really. I guess I would be paranoid too if I was that big a star in his industry. He is one of the top names. But he also seems to be dissing his friends, thinking that they are trying to help him for their own selfish reasons, which I think is bad. He is slipping into doing more drugs and making a spectacle of himself in public and I wonder why. When I am on a real downer, the last thing I want is for anyone to see me, but I guess we all handle things differently. It sounds like he either wants saving, or he just wants to have revenge on everyone by showing them what "they have done to him!" I can't work it out.

I would like to help, but that is a bit of a stretch as I can't even seem to help myself at the moment. But that is probably just me trying to find a purpose in my own life. And Erik isn't exactly open to offers of assistance at the moment. In fact he can be damn abusive to his commenters, though some of them seem to revel in this and taunt him endlessly.

One guy, lets call him Di**H*d, commented today:

"Your out-of-control ego is staggering: that–in the midst of overdosing on GHB–you think every one's fighting over you. Like it's some prize to get you home and fuck you? Dude, you're not that hot." I wonder if this guy is a trained counsellor?

As if comments like that will help and, hey, if he thought that Erik wasn't that hot, why was he checking his site in the first place, it certainly wasn't because he is interested in Erik as a person.

I keep finding myself drawn to his blog, knowing that if he doesn't make an entry for a day I'll be checking the news sites for an obit and thinking that if someone that famous, popular and attractive wants more what hope do I have!