Confidence

I don't know why, but I just began to think about all the positive steps I have taken in my life to boost my confidence. I was always a shy child, I still am a fairly shy adult, but certain things that I have done, that a lot of people take for granted, have given me massive boosts in confidence. These are the major ones:

• As a child, all through school I let my parents decide what style to have my hair in and what clothes to wear. When I left school my eldest sister took me to have my first decent haircut. It was similar to what George Michael had at the time, a short crop gelled into a feathered effect. It helped my confidence as I no longer had a massive mane of ugly boring hair to contend with, or hide under.
• As soon as I was 17 I began learning to drive, I was a fairly slow learner (compared to my friends) and it took me 3 tests and 11 months, but I eventually passed. Being able to drive a car on my own was a massive boost to my confidence, making me realise that I was able to do more than I initially thought possible. A good lesson for life.
• For my 18th birthday my mum paid for my first set of contact lenses. From the age of about 12 I had been wearing glasses ALL the time and I hated them. They are so inconvenient, cause grease spots on your face, cloud up when you go from cold to hot environments, have to be wiped clean all the time. I really hated them and I think I felt like I was hiding behind them sometimes, scared to come out. Once I had contact lenses I began to come out of my shell.
• Going on from the contact lenses, last year I got my eyes lasered and it was probably the best money I have ever spent (and the most!). I am finally free of the constraints of having to put lenses in to see anything, the discomfort they can cause and the possible negative effects they can have (and were having) on my eyes. Now, I feel that I can go anywhere at any time, without having to think if my lenses have been cleaning for long enough etc.
• Moving out of my mum's was a major decision for me. Not only did I move out, I moved a couple of hundred miles away to live with friends. Probably the best and most life-defining decision I have ever made. I will forever be grateful to my since-passed friend Craig Armet and all the other friends he put me in touch with in Torquay and all their help which allowed me to find out and become the person I really was, instead of the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be.
• And finally, joining the gym. I joined about 10 months ago and it has made a big difference to my confidence again. I had always been the "skinny" one, despite never engaging in any sports and very little exercise. A few years ago I noticed that I was developing a bit of a belly (sitting down for 12 hours a day at work will do that to you). This year I was finally able to afford to go to the gym and I have tried quite hard to get into the whole thing. My belly has almost completely gone and is being replaced with a six-pack (nearly). I now look in the mirror every time I am changing my top just to get a look at my nice body. I never did that before. EVER! It makes me wish that I had joined the gym when I was younger, but I am so happy that I have now. It also gives me something to do on days when, as I have no one to hang out with most days, my life would otherwise be spent sitting at home in front of the telly or on the computer. Having the goal of something specific to do each day is such an important step to get out of the funk that you can fall into sometimes.

Simple things that really have helped me. I am no where near perfectly happy, but these easy(ish) steps really have made it easier for me to cope with the disappointments and depressive episodes in my life. I recommend that, if you feel the same way, you try at least one and see how much you feel better about yourself. Sometimes a simple thing can really prove to you that:

It Gets Better

Hugs 2 U All

I've just been reminded of this video on YouTube and the excellent song by the brilliant Sick Puppies. It brings a tear to my eyes every time. Sending my hugs out to you all. Thanks for being there.

It Gets Better

I've had an idea.
Long time readers will know that occasionally I have these wild ideas for how I can make the world a better place, or how I can create my perfect job etc etc. Well I had an idea a couple of days ago and I have just sent a message to someone who I think can do something about it.

I was flicking through random pages on marvel.wikia.com when I came across a page on Larry Bodine. Larry was a teenage mutant character from a Marvel comic who only made one appearance, but it was a memorable one, for me at least.
In New Mutants Vol1 #45, Larry was introduced as a young mutant who was scared that someone would find out that he was a mutant. He worried that it was something to be ashamed of and kept himself to himself for fear of being "outed." I was 14 when I read the story and it struck a chord. I had long since recognised that mutants in comics could be held as an analogy for gays (or indeed an perceived difference from "the norm") and identified with the character, who was roughly the same age, a loner, had a similar (naff) haircut and wore glasses like me.
Larry killed himself only for one of the comics main characters to discover that he was a mutant, like her, and was able to create the most beautiful light sculptures. A stunning gift that anyone should be proud of.
It stood out as an amazingly supportive story, despite the suicide. It showed me that each of us could have a gift and, if we know what that gift is, we should embrace it no matter what other people think of it or of us. It also showed me that, if you hold on for just a little while longer you may find someone who you can share your "problems" with, or indeed share your gifts with. Just hold on.
I didn't have a gift, and have yet to find one, but I live my life trying, at least, to find that one more difference I can make on the world, one more mark to show that I was here and I mattered. Without going into details I can name two people, who I used to work with, who have actually told me that I have provided an example for them to be able to be themselves. That makes me proud. And, if I have done that with mere work colleagues then I hope that I have helped my family and close friends too in some ways.

I have just sent a message to Chris Claremont, who wrote the above-mentioned story, with a request that he attempts to get it republished, with a co-story giving an example of how someone's life has been great because they DIDN'T commit suicide. I suggested a "What If Larry Bodine lived?" story but that may be a bit naff, or a bit easy.
I don't know if he will really get the message I sent, but I hope that someone does and passes it on to someone able to do it. I would love to see this published as a positive message in support of the It Gets Better campaign. And maybe it can be something else I can feel proud of. If anyone reading has connections with the comic book industry then, by all means, pass on the idea and lets get this done.

Thanks for "listening."

Death of the Doctor

I've just finished watching the second part of "The Death of the Doctor" a story on The Sarah Jane Adventures and it was a great couple of episodes, highly recommended. Co-starring Katy Manning, aka Jo Grant (sorry Jo Jones), old Whovians will know her well, and Jo's grandson Santiago. I couldn't help but wonder if any more of the Doctor's old companions are going to turn up in any of the shows ("The Travels of Jo Jones"?). As if the show read my mind Sarah Jane admits that she checks up on them sometimes on the internet and mentioned quite a few and the work that they do: Tegan, Dorothy (i.e. Ace), Polly, Harry, Ian & Barbara (who haven't aged since the 60's!!). It would be silly to create spin-off series' for ALL of the previous companions (wouldn't it?), but maybe, just maybe, they could do a one-off series with either single stories for each companion, or a series-length story with multiple companions. Hmmmn.
I'd love to see Tegan, Nyssa, Ace, Ian & Barbara, Jamie, Susan, maybe Adam (from the newer Doctor stories) and now I also want to see more of Jo Grant, oh Jones (I can't get used to that!) and Santiago.

Australia?

I forgot to mention that when I was out on Friday with Richard, I mentioned to him that I was thinking of going to Australia next year. He told me that he was thinking the same and wanted to go around Christmas. So that is now 2 people who I could go to Aus with (Francis was possibly interested too dependant on his bonus). Christmas could be a problem if I am still in this dead-end job as I am not allowed to take time off over Christmas, but I really hope I won't still be there then (then again I said the same about THIS Christmas!!!).
I will have to make a decision though as, as things stand, I won't be able to afford a holiday AND a new place (which is bound to be more expensive), so I have to decided which is more important to me. Unfortunately I know which would win! So here's hoping that I come into some money soon (either through a Lotto win or a fantastic new job) so that I can finally do something that I have wanted to do for years.

It Gets Better

I’ve seen various YouTube videos, from well-known people, giving messages of support to teenagers and others who may be having a tough time, either because they are coming to terms with their sexuality or because other people are giving them a hard time (whether they are gay or not). this support is as a response to the recent batch of suicides in the USA.

I've wanted to send out my own message, but recently I’ve been feeling down and so not in the right frame of mind to send the correct message out.

My downers are not currently to do with my sexuality, though my depression may have started out as stemming from my feelings of being alone, rejected and reviled when I was a child, teenager and young adult, I’m a long way past that now.

With regards to bullying and “accepting” your sexuality I would have to admit that it DOES get better. When I finally found my own space and thus was allowed to become my own person, instead of what I thought everyone else thought I should be, I was instantly happier. Surrounding myself with real, supportive and like-minded friends was also a key ingredient.

My advice to help you make your life bearable and eventually enjoyable would be:

1) Learn to be yourself. Find the space that enables you to be true to who you are, be that in a private space at home, with a group of friends or at a club or in a support group.

2) Find something that you enjoy and focus on it. If you are a good artist, then draw and find others who can draw and who can help you focus those skills into a possible career or even just to enhance your enjoyment of this “hobby.”

3) The simplest piece of advice I can give is: If you need help ask for it.

There is always someone you can speak to. If not in your immediate group of friends or family then there are helplines and internet based organisations who you can speak to or who can put you in touch with the right person for you.

You are not weak because you are asking for help. It takes a strong person to admit they cannot do everything alone. It is an arrogant person who thinks that they do not need anyone. It is a stupid person who doesn’t seek help when they are in a state of desperation. I’ve been stupid, but I somehow came out the other side, you don’t always get a second chance.

It DOES get better

Unknown Family

My cousin, Santa, has just sent me a link on Facebook to YouTube showing a clip of a 1974 program called "The World at War." In it is a brief word from a former sergeant in the 14th Army, a Freddie Tomkins. Never heard of him? No, neither had I. But it turns out that he was my grandfather's half-brother. I didn't even know he had a half-brother.

Santa also sent me the transcript of a newspaper clipping that she found at her parents' house today (Jack Miller is my mum's dad):

"At the age of 55 Freddie Tomkins has suddenly found his family expanding. By two half brothers and a half sister, to be exact. After a break of 26 years he has re-established contact with the children of his mothers first marriage. Their reunion came by an accident of television. Mr Tomkins, appearing for the Burma Star association in the world at war series was spotted by his half brother Jack Miller from Sudbury in Suffolk. Mr Miller wrote to the series producer at Thames Television, who passed on his letter. Mr Tomkins who lives in New Cross, was delighted to learn that his half sister Lily was living just up the road at Brockley and that half brother Bill had retired to St Leonards. "We were a very close family until about 1948 when we just drifted apart" says Mr Tomkins. "It hasn't been hard to re-establish the old relationship" "When I walked into Bill's kitchen and tapped him on the shoulder he just turned and said "Well I'll be blowed,it's our Fred!" ..

I never really talked to my grandad about much, when I was young I was incredibly shy and when I was a teenager I wasn't interested. Mum never talked much about family at all either, so I know very little about my family's history. I think that is what makes this so much more interesting now.
Click here for the clip from the television show that they were talking about. Freddie Tomkins is the first face after the opening credits. It looks like he is in further slices on YouTube so I'm gonna check them out in a minute.

I can feel a personal project coming up, though I may lose interest if it gets too difficult tracking ALL my relatives and their personal stories.

Dreams

I had a really realistic dream last night, but can't remember the full details. It involved me fighting in a mix of Star Wars, Sherlock and a ninja movie in and around the Barbican estate. The girl in the dream (yes a girl!) was named "Startrek Starwars"!! And when I thought I was being really clever by trapping the "bad guy" by sliding some magazines out in front of his horse (I don't know why, it was a dream) it didn't work, the magazines didn't slide and I got my arse kicked, or at least would have done if I hadn't woken up! Strange, but I love remembering intricate dreams like that, even just snippets!

A Need to be Held

Work last night has got me on a bit of a downer and the episode of Sex and the City that I've just watched didn't help. It was the one where Miranda's mother dies. It reminded me of when my mum died. Miranda doesn't have a "date" for the funeral and so, after the service is walking down the aisle out of the church all on her own.
When the service had finished for my mum I wanted to get a hug from someone. Unfortunately my eldest sister, Lynn was in the arms of her husband. My brother, Kevin, was with his wife. And even my other sister Maxine, whose (first and now ex-) husband was unsociable, and hadn't been in the hall for the service, was outside waiting for her. I remember standing there, outside among the flower tributes turning in a full circle looking for someone there to support me and there not being anyone. I walked over to a bench on the other side of the pathway, sat down and just bawled my eyes out to myself. And I felt guilty because I was feeling sorry for myself when I should have been thinking about mum.
The really sad thing is that my mum died 12 years ago and I still have no one to give me a hug and haven't had in all the time in between.
Sometimes you just need a hug. Sometimes that is ALL you need.

Do I? Or Don't I?

It is almost half five in the afternoon and I am undecided as to whether I am going to go out tonight. If I do go out I won't be leaving until about 20:00 so I have a couple of hours. I haven't been out for ages, as I mentioned yesterday, so I could do with getting out (I'm going a bit stir crazy). I swallowed my pride and once again asked if Tim fancied a drink tonight. Unfortunately, but not totally unexpectedly, he isn't able to as he is driving back from Cardiff tonight. I don't really have anyone else that I can call as a drinking buddy (anyone else I could phone would also expect sex, which I am not interested in with any of them).
I shall decide in a while, my potential outfits are ready to go if I do decide I want to risk it. I'll let you know.

Need To Socialise

I think I really need to get out. I've (stupidly) just worked out that I've not been out for over a month (21st August) when I went to the gym with Zek and then we went for a meal. I'd gone out the night before in Soho but that was on my own. The last time I actually went out for drinks (not on my own) was 25th July, that's almost 2 months ago now! So I think I am due a night out. I just have to work out if I am going to be out alone or if I risk the possible futility of asking my friends if they are free!

Better Work-Out

I went to the gym again this afternoon and made sure that I had a better work-out. I focused on my arms and chest again, to make up for yesterday. I worked hard, taking shorter rest and doing up to 3 different sets together to keep my interest up (i.e. 10 x dumbbell chest presses, 10 x barbell raises and then 20 x leg raises). I still only worked out for an hour, but I felt that I had achieved more (though I am still not aching as much as when I work out with Zek, then again I didn't do any heavy barbell work).
I'm not feeling as bad as yesterday, but I am still on a downer. I really need to get out.

Michele Ann Nelson

Michele Ann Nelson

7th December 1973 – 11th September 2001

Michele Ann Nelson was a benefits specialist, working in the Human Resources department of Cantor Fitzgerald in the World Trade Center. She had been there since 2000.
Michele formerly worked at J & W Seligman and County Seat Stores and lived in Valley Stream, New York.

She left behind a younger sister – Monique, and her mother – Mrs Winsome Nelson, along with a vast network of family and friends.

Some words used frequently to describe Michele were:

Beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, thoughtful, caring, punctual, giving, forgiving, positive, & spiritual.
Once again, for me, it is difficult writing an honest tribute to someone who I never got the chance to meet.

The overwhelming impression I get from the tributes that I have seen and the thoughts that have been written, is that of an incredibly caring person who always thought of others. Whether it was giving good advice to someone considering quitting college, or kind words on the death of a co-worker’s relative, she made a difference just by being her own caring self. She is an example that we should all follow.

Michele seemed to make an impact on the lives of everyone that she met. Even brief acquaintances were influenced by her shining example of how to live life. Even now, 8 years on, her example is being spread via her family and friends, and via tributes on the internet that give a multitude of examples of the kindness, generosity and her incredibly caring nature.
Excelling in her studies at school, graduating from Pennsylvania State University, then Baruch College of the City, Michele was constantly trying to improve her skills, shown also by her attendance of New York Restaurant School, from which she posthumously graduated in December ‘01.

I think that we can all learn from the example that Michele set during her brief life. She had a mantra that she would repeat three times a day:

"This is the day the Lord had made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

Please take time to read tributes left to Michele and her family at Legacy.com and at the memorial site set up by Cantor Fitzgerald. And don't forget all the other victims of that terrible day, all of whom will be paid tribute to via Project 2996.

Michael John Cahill

Michael John Cahill

I originally honoured Michael John Cahill in 2006 for the Project: 2996 tribute and have been granted the honour again. As before, I hope this tribute honours him as much he deserves. Grief is such a personal thing it affects us all in different ways. Grief can affect you for people you do not know as well as those you do. I have experienced a fair amount of loss in my life, but you can never truly equate your loss with that of someone else. It is also difficult to pay tribute to someone you didn’t know and never met. All you can do is research and hope you get all the facts straight.

Michael John Cahill was in Tower 1 of the World Trade Centre, based on the 99th floor. This floor was in the upper area of where the first plane hit the tower.
I can’t even begin to imagine what Colleen, his wife, must have been thinking when she first heard the news and saw the pictures.
Michael was 37 years old and, from what I can tell, a REAL family man. He had a wife he loved and two young kids who he loved spending time with and wanted to be a good role model for. To this end he rejoined his high school cross country running team as its captain, as he believed that sports were important in their development.
Michael worked hard, often out of his house for more than 12 hours and regularly taking work home with him, but his family knew that it was all for them. Colleen, his wife said, "We knew we came first. He would always make a point to tell me, 'I know it's hard for you being home with the kids,' so he would always make time to be with them so I could take a break."
Even his sister, Denise Troise, was amazed at her brother’s devotion to his family, saying “I can’t even imagine a more dedicated father and husband.”
He was known for his weekend barbecues which usually brought together his close-knit family, neighbours and friends.

Posthumously, Michael has been awarded a promotion to Managing Director by his firm, Marsh & McLennan. He has also been awarded the Dean Award from St John’s University Law School, from which he graduated in 1991.
But, possibly the most telling award made to this loving family man is the bench and plaque placed in his East Williston village green by his friends and neighbours, and the fact that around 1000 friends attended the memorial mass at St Aidan’s Roman Catholic Church in Williston Park.
Jim & Evelyn be proud of your son, you must have done good raising him.
Colleen be proud of your husband, you picked a good one. One who loved you enough to spend time away from you to provide the things you needed and deserved.
Connor & Fiona, be proud of your daddy. He was a good man. Ask your family about him. Find out all that you can and fix him in your mind, that way, he will always be with you.

You will never forget.
We will never forget.
Michael John Cahill

Please don't forget to check out Project 2996 for all the other tributes that have been made today to honour those who died on that awful day.

Brandhorst-Gamboa Family

Daniel Brandhorst / Ronald Gamboa / David Gamboa-Brandhorst

On this horrid anniversary the story of the Brandhorst-Gamboa family is both a heart-rending one. Daniel and Ronald met about 13 years prior to 9/11 while living on the US east coast. When Daniel got transferred to a Pricewaterhouse/Cooper office in Los Angeles, the couple moved to facilitate this and with Ronald eventually settling as a manager of The Gap store in Santa Monica.
The couple adopted a son, David, through a surrogate mother, looking after her during the pregnancy, birth and afterwards. Initially needing some help as all new parents so, they quickly settled in to become natural parents, Daniel becoming "Papa" and Ronald "Daddy" to the beautiful, bright, energetic and very caring young boy. Daniel was variously described as happy, inspirational, a good friend and generous, but was also the "serious one" in the relationship. Ronald was the joker who could apparently "make a rainy day look happy." Both parents have inspired their co-workers to greater things and are remembered fondly by many of them, some of whom have had their lives changed dramatically by the advice given by the two men. The one thing that can be taken from this terrible day is that in the end the loving family were together.

I would have been honoured to meet the trio who, even though they are gone, stand as examples to show the bigots still out there that a family is what individuals make it and does not need to be formulaic or standardised. Some of the best families are those which are chosen, not moulded. The Brandhorst-Gamboas are fine examples of all that a family can and should be and should be used as role models for gay marriage, gay adoption, happiness and good parenting.

To read an incredibly touching tribute to David Gamboa-Brandhorst please visit here.

Please also visit 2996 Project to read about all the other victims of this terrible day. Every one has a story.

Too Much?

I did my usual abs workout this morning when I got up and then got a text from Zek asking if I was still on for going to his gym (the Moorgate one) tonight at 18:10 (when he finished work). He'd mentioned it on Sunday, but I had assumed that he meant next week. I agreed to meet him, but then after my aborted trip to the West-End I had nothing else to do so I decided to go to my gym and do a cardio session. I was only in there for 45 minutes as I didn't want to overdo it today.

I met Zek outside the Moorgate gym and he swiped me in on his card (I should have paid to get in as my membership only covers the one gym). It is a massive gym, all above-ground (which seems unusual for a gym) and is very smart and open-planned, but this isn't a plus point for me as I like my privacy when I'm working out. It was really busy, being just after work time and so there were people waiting for machines and benches etc. I just felt like I was in the way, so didn't really enjoy myself. And there wasn't even a steam room or sauna (or at least not all-male ones).

The only real plus point of this little trip was that I got to see Josh Lewsey (former England rugby player and stunningly sexy guy) who was running a training session there. He is as gorgeous in person as he looks in photoshoots. Very nice indeed.

Actually none of these pictures do him justice.

9/11 - Help Required

Like last year I've realised late that 9/11 is coming up again. I checked out the 2996 Project to see if they needed any more tributes this year and unfortunately they need loads.
So, if any of you bloggers out there have some spare time, can do some research on someone you don't know and would like to post a tribute to one of those victims of that atrocity that don't currently have a tribute then check out the site, register for a name and post your tribute on 11th September on your blog. Please help this projet out as there are still over 200 people without tributes this year still.

Thanks for "listening."

Changing Attitudes

My friend Geraint has sent me a link to this interesting article in the Guardian.

Personally I've never been confused about my sexuality, I knew I "liked boys" from around the age of 7, but also knew that other people thought it was wrong so I had to hide it. From such an early age, when personality and inter-personal skills are still forming, I learned to hide my real self from everyone, thus stunting my ability to interact with other people. I was never ashamed of or felt guilty about my sexuality. I have never thought that it was wrong myself, but felt, to get by with as little hassle as possible, I had to hide who I really was. I had to hide it in every single action and word that I did or said just in case someone "figured it out." This is what led to my personal mental health issues, the strain of not feeling able to be myself.
Education and understanding in schools from an early age is needed with tough action on offending pupils AND parents. Faith schools need to be forced to comply too, if we can't scrap the outdated insidious institutions altogether. Regional youth groups need to be formed and funded for all different interests. Homosexuality needs to be normalised, instead of sensationalised in the media. We don't need newspapers effectively blackmailing celebrities to come out. We don't need sensational gay stories in soaps. Sexuality needs to be mostly incidental, not shocking.

Boring Night, Great Day

I decided that I wanted to go out last night, but as usual had no one else to go out with (Tim was packing for going on holiday today). I did my usual round Comptons > Rupert Street > Barcode. There weren't many attractive guys out, maybe a couple in Rupert Street and a couple in Barcode, but no one who sticks out in my memory. I should have stayed at home.
I felt like quite a loser as in the last two places I was approached by several people telling me I looked lonely, and asking why I was out on my own. I guess I should have taken the opportunity to get to know these people, but, as usual because I thought they were just after sex and I didn't fancy them I gave them the brush off (politely I hope). I am such an idiot sometimes. I want to make new friends and then go and turn down ideal opportunities.

Today has been a much better day. I have listed tons of stuff on eBay (as it is a free listings weekend, meaning that I am not getting charged the usual 10p for each item that I list. It doesn't sound like much but it all adds up.) I'll add lots more tomorrow too.
I met Zek at the gym at around 15:00 and he showed me a couple of different sets that I can do, which I will add to my routine. My arms are really weak now though because of it. He really pushed me which I appreciated. We then went for something to eat. He drove us to Shoreditch where we had a meal in a diner place. I am now stuffed.
He asked if I wanted to go back to his for tea, but I offered to go back to mine instead, as it was nearer. He drove us back, but as I got out of the car he said he was going to head off. I think I might have offended him by not going back to his. After he paid for dinner too, Oops. He said we should do it again though.
I'm still not 100% sure that he is gay, as nothing has been said, and no action taken by either of us. To be honest I am just enjoying the company, it makes a nice change to have someone to do stuff with, so I don't actually care if he is straight. I hope the feeling is reciprocated.

The Universe Had It In For Me

I have just received an email telling me that tomorrow's Steelers match has been cancelled due to the opposing team being unable to field a team. Bloody breeders, you just can't trust 'em.
I've had to tell Zek that it is cancelled and don't have any idea what to do next. I will probably see him at the gym, but don't know where else I can take him / invite him to, or even if he would be interested.
In the mean time I am thinking of going out tonight, Friday nights out are better than Saturdays (especially downstairs in Barcode, if last week is anything to go by!).

Mixed Signals

I've mentioned before that I have a new obsession, the guy who works in the letting agency across the road. He often smiles up at me when I am standing looking out of my window and he is either at his desk or outside having a cigarette. I had resolved to go and talk to him at some point, but wanted him to be on his own (to save my own embarrassment as much as his).
I was walking back from posting some eBay stuff this morning and just as I was about to cross the road I saw him walking towards me. I promptly changed direction, which I thought was quite obvious, and approached him. I said "Hi" as he approached, he reciprocated and then just kept walking, despite the fact that I had stopped to talk. He looked over his shoulder twice and gave me that same big smile, but carried on walking. I just don't know if he is a cock-tease, more shy than I am or just taking the piss out of me! It was really, REALLY frustrating.

I'll just have to focus on the other three guys that are paying me attention at the moment. Oh, my life is hard at times. It is like waiting for buses, nothing for ages and then loads all at once:
Zek and I have plans for tomorrow as I mentioned, and I am really looking forward to it.
Darren, from last Saturday, keeps sending me saucy texts, but I am not as interested as he is. We got on really well, but I made the mistake of kissing him despite knowing that he has a boyfriend and I regret that now. I'll have to explain that I just want to be friends and watch him disappear as guys tend to do when I tell them that.
I also keep getting texts from Fernando, a guy who lives near me (somewhere) who I often saw out in Soho and who I exchanged numbers with a few weeks ago. I'm not sure why I did as I am not attracted to him and had hardly talked to him.
It does sound like I am complaining, but I'm not, just explaining. It is actually really nice to be popular for once, though I do feel pressure to "pick" the right guy. If I pick wrong I just know all the others will disappear into the woodwork as it has happened before.

It's a Date (?)

I waited until today to get a closer-to-the-date weather report before I invited Zek to the Steelers' friendly match on Saturday afternoon. I sent him a text when I got home from work asking him if he wanted to go, as I had mentioned the match on Sunday when we met, and within a couple of minutes he had replied saying that he would. I was a bit surprised, but very happy (both at having him as company and not having to turn up on my own again). I really hope that it doesn't rain too much on the day (or beforehand, making it too muddy).
I also mentioned that I would probably be going to the gym before going to the match and he said he may also be there.
As usual with me, I'm waiting for the let-down, but hoping that it doesn't come. I hope that I don't cause the let-down myself (as I have done before). Sometimes I lose interest as soon as I know someone is interested in me. Fingers crossed for this one, eh?

Mr Popular?

I'm not always in the best mood when I return to work, especially after 12 days off. Today however, wasn't too bad. Not great but not too bad. I managed to keep busy for most of the morning and that's about all I can hope for where I am.
I had to chase up my wage query (they owe me for 4 days of holiday that they didn't pay me), the arseholes offered to pay it into my account on the 27th August. I get paid weekly so I told them that I want it today or Friday at the latest, considering it was their mistake and I am now accruing interest on my overdraft because of their late payment. It will now be paid on Friday, but I am even less impressed with them than I was before (and that wasn't much to start with).
On top of that I still have not heard about my transfer request and sent my last email chasing it up, I expect that I didn't get it, and I refuse to beg. I just want out of there now. I am fed up of being the best guard there (modest much?) and still getting ignored and treated like I don't exist.
On the plus side I was inundated with texts from two guys today. One is a guy who I gave my number to as an act of friendship as he is a neighbour. The other was the guy from Friday night (who I have found out is Darren not David), he was being really flirty, but even though I really got on well with him I'm not sure I want anything more. I regret kissing him now, as he actually has a boyfriend and I don't like that he would do that and may do that to me if we were together. Is that being unrealistic?
Anyway, the attention was good for my ego, though a bit tiring, replying to his emails without promising too much back, or leading him on. I found myself wanting Zek (from the gym yesterday) to call. I'll call him in a day or so, when I know what Saturday's weather is going to be like. I want to go to see the Steelers play and then join their barbecue, but it has to be at least semi-decent weather for me to go and invite Zek too.

I Should Stick With My Instincts

I knew I should have followed my instincts and stayed in last night. It wasn't a very good one. It started off well, I felt good about how I looked, which is always important, though I was still feeling tired. As I walked to the cashpoint near home I saw a guy I speak to at the gym (and had fun with a few times too) come out of the gym and briefly spoke to him. He was going into Soho too so it was possible that I would see him there (I didn't though).
Things went downhill from when I first got into Comptons. They had sold out of my favourite beverage (on a Saturday night!! Surely you would stock up on drinks for the weekend?), I wasn't going to pay double for a "similar" drink that I don't like, so I left and went to the Duke of Wellington instead. Never a good pub to drink in on your own. I had one there and went on to Rupert Street.
I didn't speak to anyone there and there was no one that I really fancied at all. I went to Barcode at about 23:00. Same here. Not very many attractive people out, they must have all been out the night before while I was otherwise occupied. Damn.
I briefly spoke to 2 people in Barcode, one, a neighbour who I found out yesterday has deleted me from his Facebook friends (never a good feeling when someone does that, even if you don't chat with them). The other guy was someone I chat to whenever I see him, but he wasn't in a chatty mood last night as he was a bit wasted and wanted to "get it on" with a guy he was out with. I stuck it out as long as I could and came home at around midnight.
The best thing about the night is that I only wasted £30! Oh, and no hangover this morning as I had a munchies session before I went to bed.
I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow.

Surprisingly A Good Night

So, I decided that I should go out last night, though I didn't make too much effort in dressing up as I didn't expect to be staying out for very long. I did my usual route, starting in Comptons where the only good looking guys were the new hunky bear barman and a young guy who looked like an 18-year old Mark Sallinger (Puck from Glee). I got a big smile from Puck, but only as he left the bar with his friends.
It seemed to be a night for lookalikes as there was a guy who looked like Peter Serafinowicz (British comedy actor) and later on a guy who looked like Adam Lambert in his forties.
After 2 drinks in Comptons I went on to Rupert Street. Here there was a guy that I really fancied. Probably in his forties, he was handsome in a rugged way, very muscular and Eastern European, I think. He totally ignored me, even though he and his (boy)friend came and stood about 6 inches from my face. I eventually got a smile from them both at the end of the night, but that was all.
I got talking to a nice guy and we really seemed to get on. I didn't quite get his name when he first told me and was too embarrassed to ask later on, but I'm pretty sure that it was David. Annoyingly, when he texted me this morning he signed it "D." It was really nice to have someone to chat to all night from then on, but also, slightly annoying as all the nice looking guys seemed to appear after I started talking to him and I felt that I couldn't flirt as I was with D. I still had a good time though.
We ended up in Barcode until closing time, before we went our separate ways at the bus stop I was feeling really horny still (as I had been all day) and so didn't want to go home. I went for another walk around Soho, but didn't know where to go at that time, so got on the bus home.
Again, annoyingly, the cute guy who was sat next to me on the bus only gave me a flirty smile as I got off the bus!
I had such a good night last night that I am considering going out again tonight to see if I can replicate it.

Out Alone, or In Alone?

I am all dressed for going out, but don't know if I can be bothered to go out on my own yet again. I am feeling incredibly horny having been teased by the guy in the shop opposite, having a brief encounter at the gym and watching a very horny video on Gods Amongst Men featuring Billy Herrington and some young spunk having a naked wrestling match.
I realise that going out feeling horny isn't always the best idea, especially when going alone. I am liable to make a silly mistake come the end of the night if (when) I don't meet anyone I actually like. Decisions decisions.
I've not been out on a Friday night for ages, normally going on a Monday, Thursday or Saturday. So I guess it may make a change (though I doubt it). I really need more friends. Ones that I can actually spend time with. It would be nice.

Family Visit

I went to Essex to see my sisters and their kids yesterday, I go about twice a year (the other time being Christmas) and it always exhausts me. I decided to dress up to look my sexiest, to show off my new better physique, as when I went down at Christmas time, my eldest sister (Lynn) had commented on my weight (it was the heaviest I had ever been). Ironically she does this I think to deflect from the fact that she is overweight, the largest in our family, but I decline to sink to her level. I was very disappointed that not one of the family commented on how good I look. Shallow eh?

I was also disappointed that, when I got to my other sister (Maxine)'s place, I had forgotten that she had 3 very excitable dogs, and didn't know that she had added two more since my last visit. All of them Staffordshires!! So, as soon as I entered her house, all five dogs had jumped up at me and got dirty paw marks, piss marks (1 of the pups gets VERY excited) and slobber marks all over my beige trousers. Not a good start to the visit. I think Maxine could see that I was not impressed, though I kept my cool.

Eventually the dogs calmed down, but just as they did my brother-in-law came home and it started again, then with his brother, then with my niece, then with my sister. It was never ending. My niece also brought over her 3 daughters (all under 4 years old) and so there was the noise from them too, which was okay in short bursts.

Three generations (all of whom have been, or are still, a real handfull!)

The three sisters (my great-nieces).The youngest.The middle.

And the eldest and most spoiled of the lot!!

Everyone left and we then were able to relax for a couple of hours before we went out to dinner to celebrate Lynn and her hubby's 20th Anniversary, with a lovely meal at Giraffe in Lakeside. After which we returned to Lynn's for a short while, who also has a big puppy (another Staf!). I left there at just after 23:00 to get my train home.

During my visit my brother-in-law kept on offering to let me stay over for the night and saying that I could stay with them if I had to leave "the flat from hell," which, although a very nice offer and is very much appreciated, will NEVER happen. I can't put up with all those bloody dogs.

When I eventually got home after midnight I had to have a long shower to get the smell of the dogs out of me, I wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise. I do love dogs, but they are really messy and smelly animals. I was glad to be home. I got some nice pictures though.

Short Report

I decided that I had to get out again last night, after the disappointment of missing Brighton Pride yet again. I followed my usual pattern, starting in Comptons for one drinks (there was no one there that I knew or even fancied). Then I went on to Rupert Street where there were very few guys that I fancied and no one that I knew, until Alfredo came in with a (boy)friend(?). We chatted very briefly before they went to the bar and I went on to Barcode.
I found Tim & Jeremy working in the downstairs bar and again briefly chatted to Tim at the bar, it was the first time I'd seen Tim working there. I was going to leave after one drink as I was really bored and (again) there was no one else I knew and very few attractive guys to keep my interest. I decided to get one more drink and see how it went. It didn't get better. I saw about 3 guys that I actually fancied and none were interested in me. Almost at closing time a nice looking guy started chatting me up, but admitted that he was stoned and waiting to meet someone he had arranged to have sex with. He was rock hard and offered to give me a blow in the toilets. I was having a bad night so I took him up on the offer, then came home.
Other than the blow job and the fact that I only spent about £20, it was a wasted night out. Again.
And I am bored again today, with nothing to do and no one to do it with. I think I'll see if my sisters are free tomorrow and go and visit them.

Brighton Pride

Today is the day of the party in the park for Brighton Pride. I booked the time off of work especially so that I could attend as soon as I found out the date. I've been looking forward to going there with a big group of friends and just hanging out meeting lots of sexy new people and having a great time.
I ain't gonna happen!
Why?
There are several reasons:
1) Some of my friends just do not want to make the 1h 20m train journey each way.
2) The weather has been pretty crap this week meaning that the park will be slightly cold, wet and muddy.
3) It is almost certainly going to rain again today meaning that they would get even more wet.
4) The powers that be have decided to close the nearest train station (Preston Park) meaning that we would have to travel to the one beyond (Brighton itself) and make our way back out, on foot or by taxi, meaning further expense and more time on the actual journey.

Maybe next year? Yeah right, I said that last year! Looks like it will be a night out in Soho alone again tonight.

Setting Examples

There is often debate about whether "celebrities" should come out and be open about their sexuality. I think, in most cases, it is a good thing and the following is a great example of why. Here is a snippet of an interview with Gareth Thomas that I saw on the LGBT History Month UK Facebook page (linked to Pink News [via the Daily Mail apprently!]):

"Thomas [said] he was pleased his experience of coming out has helped others.

He said: "Last weekend I was in London, waiting for a train on the Underground, when this teenager, who must have been around 19, came and sat next to me.

"He looked at me and said 'Are you Gareth Thomas?' and when I said yes, he replied: 'I just want to say thank you so much. I was terrified of telling my parents I was gay, but when I did they said, don't worry, haven't you heard that Gareth Thomas is gay?'.

"It took away that awful feeling that he was going to be rejected. Now, that made me feel great."

It just goes to show the good that your actions can result in. I know that, just by being out at work (at a previous position) has helped at least one person to come out and be happier with themselves, because the person told me so. I also know that it has helped at least 2 others to come out (at two separate jobs that I had). If I achieve nothing else in life (and god knows I haven't) then at least I have helped someone be happier.

Getting Abuse

I got a phone call earlier. The number showed as unknown, so I guessed (correctly) that it was from work. How dare they phone me on my day off. I answered it anyway, hoping that it might be a call about my transfer request. No such luck.
Initially no one talked and then, all of a sudden, this voice started hurling abuse as me. I recognised the voice immediately, it was one of the guards from work. One of the two guards who always give me trouble. The first thing he said was "You are an ignorant man who needs to go back to school and get an education." I hung up. I knew exactly what he was "upset" about.
On Tuesday he had been covering the control room position while I was on my lunch and gave me a message when I returned. The message he gave me was "Can we ask security to turn off the pot that is boiling in the first floor kitchen tonight." I immediately asked at what time they were meant to do this. He didn't know but suggested that we do it at the start of the night shift. I explained that we can't decide when it obviously needs to be done at a specific time. I told him that I would sort it out. When I contacted the first floor chef it turns out that the message was "do NOT turn off the pot." It didn't surprise me that this idiot had messed up the message again as I am always having to make up for his lack of communication skills. And I have told him such several times, but because his main fault is that he doesn't listen properly, or if he does, then he doesn't ask when he doesn't understand an instruction. I mentioned the correction to him later and did it in a matter of fact way, not accusatory at all.
In the email conversation with the chef though I did mention that we are working on the guard's communication skills, which we are (and have been for the last 2 years without much success). I think he must have seen this email, which I didn't hide, but felt it a waste of time to mention it to the guard in question yet again.
After I had hung up on him. He tried to call another two times, I didn't answer. I will, however, be having words with my manager yet again about this guards conduct and lack of progression.
What makes me even more fed up with this guard is that he was rewarded on Tuesday with a two hour lunch cooked by the chef's just for attending a customer care course, which was not offered to the rest of us (probably because we don't need it!). Talk about rewarding ignorance.
I really want out of that place, then again there is a guard at the place I have applied to go back to who is about as bad. He seems to be Teflon coated because he is in the pocket of one of the partners, gets regular undeclared bonuses (cash and cards no less!) and even when he was sacked for leaving site 30 minutes early he was reinstated (though two other good guards who left 10 minutes early were dismissed permanently!). This is among the reasons why I want out of the security industry, but then again, I'm sure it happens in most industries.

Off out for a few drinks now, all on my own as usual, but what can you do? Looks like no one else, that I know, is going to Brighton Pride because of the crap weather this week and other reasons. Oh well, maybe I'll go to see my family in Essex this weekend instead. We shall see.

Holidays?

After my last post, I decided to do something about it and sent a message to my two closest friends, Alexis and Francis. Alexis declined, not having a passport any more, but Francis said he has 2 weeks booked off in September. WE chatted and I provisionally agreed to going away for a week then. I woke this morning and my first thought was, "what do I want out of a holiday?" The last time I went on holiday it was mainly for sex, but I can get that anywhere, so what do I really want? I'm not sure and I can't think of anywhere that is not expensive (i.e. USA, Canada, Australia or NZ) that I really want to go. I've got to wait and see if anyone else at work is off at the same time as the dates Francis proposed before I can make a final decision.

I pretty much wasted today. I did manage to wake up at about 07:00 this morning, but made the mistake of going back to sleep and didn't wake again until after 11:00!! I didn't get to the post office with my eBay stuff, had my lunch late and all I DID manage was going to the gym, where I had a good workout, but there was no one really to look at while I was there (which always makes my trips there better!).

Hopefully tomorrow will be a more productive day.

No Wonder I'm Still Single

I've had a few drinks so this may not make sense, but I am fuming and very upset at the same time.
I went out tonight, thinking that no one that I knew would be out. Tim is stuck in Cardiff filming and so I was resigned to the fact that I would be out on my own. I got a text from Niall asking if I was out. I was tempted to say I wasn't, but thought that he may see me anyway so decided to be honest. He joined me in Rupert Street where I had gone after one drink in a very empty Comptons.
We had about 3 drinks there before going on to Barcode. Barcode was busy, but mainly because only the upstairs was open, as per usual on a Thursday. I was really unimpressed with the music and was tempted to leave. Niall went to the toilet and pointed out a guy who was interested in me. I thought that he had been interested in Niall and so had ignored him. I didn't see Niall again after that.
I got talking to the guy, Max, who was from the UK but had a slight Aussie accent due to living there for a while. I really thought that we were getting on alright and I even began to really open up to him. He told me that he was flying out to Barcelona tomorrow and so I assumed that he wasn't one of those guys just looking for a fuck tonight. Turns out that I was wrong. I opened up to him and admitted (if that is the right term) that I am not into fucking or being fucked. Max is a total top apparently and despite me admitting that I would like someone to teach me how to get fucked and enjoy it, he would rather get someone who liked being fucked already. He made his flimsy excuse and said he wanted to speak to a friend of his, seconds later I saw him snogging another guy.
No wonder I am single when every guy I ever get interested in only ever wants me so they can fuck me.
I really thought that this guy was a nice one, who may be willing to take it slowly with me and teach me how to enjoy being fucked (because I really do not enjoy it, and haven't been fucked for at least 12 years now). But it turns out that every guy that I meet is a complete arsehole only after one thing, to fuck my arse no matter what I want. Max was like this, Mauro was like this, several guys at the gym are like this and the unnamed guy who I gained a Calvin Klein watch off was like this, all despite me telling them upfront that I don't like being fucked. It makes me fucking despair of the shallowness of the gay scene.
All I want is to be intimate with a nice guy, to get to know them and THEN to let them experiment with maybe fucking me. I suffer for being honest with guys upfront. Why are guys such fucking arseholes?
I barely managed to hold back my tears of anger, frustration and disappointment all the way home. "F*ck*ng c*nt", is all I can think.
I guess that is what I get for letting my guard down. I normally do not let people through my armour so quickly. Serves me right I suppose.

Flat Hunting

I was just standing at my bedroom window, as I often do when I am bored, when I noticed a letting board outside the apartment building across the road. I checked out the flat on the internet and it is beautiful and a really good size. It's fourth floor, 2 double bedrooms, 2 bathrooms (1 en suite) and has all the accessories that I would need (i.e. washing machine, fridge etc). Unfortunately I can't afford it. It is quite reasonable, for a 2-bed place, but even if I did have someone to share it with I couldn't afford £200 a week for my half, and that is before any bills! I'm still waiting to see what my rent is going to go up to here. I almost wish I hadn't looked at this place now!
I've also just chased up my job transfer request too as I need to know a.s.a.p. because my CCTV licence is going to expire in the middle of August and I will need to renew it if I am going to be back at my old place.

Bored Again

Yep, I'm bored again, but I guess boredom is the least of my worries. My stomach is still a bit delicate, probably doesn't help that I've not had much fresh fruit and veg over the last 2 days, I've just not felt in the mood to cook or spend ages preparing a salad.
I've managed to keep going to the gym, and even had a good session today upping the weights on several sets. I did those abs exercises this morning again, or at least the ones that I could manage. I think I'll try to keep it up.
Nick was at the gym again, though not very chatty, I really don't get him. I'd give up if I wasn't still a bit smitten. Sad, eh?
Being a Monday night, I am really tempted to go out again tonight (obviously my stomach can't be as bad as it was), but time is getting on and no one is going to be out, that I know of. I'm intending to go out on Thursday night, so I think missing tonight won't be a bad thing (saving some money at least).
Still bored though.

Tim's Drinks

I did go to the gym yesterday afternoon, but I certainly was not going to do a cardio session with the way my stomach was still feeling. I decided to do a chest & arms workout (which is next on my cycle of 3 work out sessions - the other being back & shoulders). I still didn't manage to do a full work out but was glad that I tried.
When I got home I intended to eat some chicken soup before going out to meet Tim for his birthday drinks, as all I had had to eat up to that point was some Marmite sandwiches. Instead I fell asleep and ended up getting to Rupert Street at 18:30 (Tim had said he would be there from 17:00), but it was fine as there were a few people already there. I started on J20 (fruit juice) and after 2 of those decided to risk a cider. The pint of cider lasted me over an hour, I wasn't enjoying it and ended up throwing half of it away.
It was a good evening with some good company (and some bad), but I must say that my friends are bloody useless when it comes to introductions. At one point we were talking in two separate groups, which happens when there are a few of you, and the other group were joined by a guy who I noticed had amazing eyes, a really pale blue colour. He was also nicely built, tanned and good looking. I didn't know who he knew in the other group but I did hear him ask who among the whole group was single (which was pretty much everyone except Tim and his boyfriend Niall). He was then joined by another guy who I assumed was his boyfriend. I later found out that it wasn't his boyfriend and that the guy, Gabriel, had said that he thought I was nice. I can't believe that no one even considered introducing us. Bloody idiots. No wonder I am single. I have to do everything for myself.
Unfortunately I was subjected to the attention of one of Richard's friends who would not leave me alone. He actually began to creep me out a little bit. I didn't find him remotely attractive, but was pleasantly surprised when I found out he was a year younger than me (as I thought he was at least 5 years older), it made me feel better about myself. I also got a few compliments about my physique, from my friends and strangers, notably my chest (this year's emphasis on v-neck tops really helps when you have a semi-decent chest).
There were quite a few gorgeous guys about, but we were stood in one place almost the whole time so it was difficult to cruise, and being polite I wanted to join in the conversations (which bizarrely ranged from toilet rolls to apples to 1960's kitchenware!!).
We later moved on to the Yard at Tim's request, though he was the only one who really wanted to go there, where promptly saw some other friends and left the rest of us sitting in a corner wondering why we were there.
We decided to move on to Barcode, but the others didn't want to pay to get in so went to the Admiral Duncan. I didn't want to go there, I've never really liked the place, so I went back to Barcode. I only had one in there before leaving and coming home though.

All in all a good night out, despite the not-drinking-much and lack of pulling! I also think that Tim might have actually liked the book that I bought him for his birthday, though I was really not sure if it would be any good (it was work related for him, but I read reviews which said it was a good reference source for those in his business, so I really hope that he likes it).

Productivity

I had a fairly productive day yesterday, for a change. I had to get up early (early for a day off anyway) as my new bed and mattress were being delivered. They arrived at 07:40, which was great because I didn't have to hang around waiting (they initially told me between 7 and 12). I put the bed together in just over an hour, which wasn't bad considering it was meant to take 2 people and the tools they provide were less than adequate.
I also managed to post some more eBay items, did 2 lots of washing, spoke to my sister Lynn on the phone, bought new bedding and dressed the bed, went to the gym and had an hour out in the sun. By 18:30 I was feeling randy (from being in the sun and going to the gym) and, realising that it was Monday, decided to go out. I got to Comptons at 20:30, but it wasn't as good as last week. I went on to Rupert Street which was really quiet, though there were some lovely guys outside. There was also a new barman (boy) who was quite cute and nicely built who looked like he should be in Bel Ami films. And then I went on to Barcode. I was one of the first customers there and it was over an hour before a decent crowd turned up, though I did have a laugh with the bar staff. Jeremy and Tim were there, strangely Jeremy didn't give me a free drink when he served me though which was unusual. Jason, from last week and once before, was also there and we had a good laugh and sing-along to the old-school music. I eventually went back to his hotel (again). It was slightly more successful than last time, though still not 100%. I got home at around 03:00.
I didn't notice when I got in it, because I was still a bit drunk and very tired, more so because I walked home, but when I woke up I remembered I was in my new bed and realised how comfortable it was. I am so glad that I can no longer feel every single bedspring. A good purchase I think.
Today hasn't been as productive, but I have taken more stuff to the post office and I will be going to the gym later (and I really want to hook up with someone there so it probably won't happen, never does when I want or expect it).

Dreaming

I had a pleasant dream last night, though the implications that I am back to where I was emotionally a few weeks ago are not good:

I was at work, although it didn't look like the building I work in but was in the same location. I was sat by the window when I saw Nick walk past outside. I knocked on the window and waved and he came into the building through a door behind me and told me that he was on a course for work in the building. I finished work and hung around for him to finish his course. When he did I was introduced to the other people on his course and we had a bit of a laugh.
Change of scene and we were both then on a car trip with my eldest sister, my niece Molly and at least one of her 3 brothers, all of whom really got on well with Nick, when the car broke down. We were given a lift by a strange woman who drove maniacally along a narrow country road filled with potholes.

It seems pretty straight forward what my subconscious is trying to tell me: I want to be with (someone like) Nick, I am looking for a gregarious friend / partner to improve my social skills, but that I am worried about the age difference (him getting on with my niece and nephew as they are closer to his age than I am), and that I think it would be a difficult relationship. Looks like I may be slipping back into my "crush" stage with Nick again, since things have seemingly gone back to normal between us. I need something / one to take my mind off of him. Any ideas / offers?

Good Day

I slept in longer that I wanted to this morning, but still had a good, fairly productive day. I got tons of eBay items posted (I'll be listing some more items later), got some books in Forbidden Planet (okay technically they were comics), done my grocery shopping and I've been to the gym.
At the gym it was quite busy, with loads of staff and clients. There was another spectacular guy there, very similar to the guy yesterday without the tattoo. Nick was there too and he commented on today's guy. I told him to go for it. He then told me that he was "sort-of" seeing someone at the moment (who is on holiday in Mykanos), which I hope explains why he didn't call me about the drinks. We chatted like we used to so hopefully things will be back to normal now between us.
Got chatting to a guy I've said "Hi" to a few times in the gym, and had a little fun with in the sauna before, and even got to know his name this time. Had a little fun again with him and a third guy. I think I've had my fair share of affirmation this week!
I'm back to work tomorrow and I'm interested to see what my manager will say about my request for a transfer.

Good Night

As Tim is stuck in Cardiff this week, and so won't be going out on or around his birthday for drinks, I decided that I had to get out last night. I left later than usual and got into Comptons at around 20:30 and, for a change, the music there was really quite good. It was also cheap drinks night, which I always forget on Mondays. From the moment I got in there I counted 9 people that I actually knew, which made a nice change.
I then went on to Rupert Street for one drink before heading to Barcode, where they usually play great old (70's, 80's, 90's) music. The music wasn't as good as usual but there were lots of people I knew to talk to, including the guy whose hotel I went back to a couple of weeks back (who had fallen asleep while I was in the bathroom). I got to ask his name (as I'd forgotten it) and got his number too, quite a sexy guy.
I came home alone, feeling really randy, but had a great night which is always good. Just what I needed.

Dreams

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Better

I've been feeling better since I've been back at work, which is a first. My cold / hayfever is better, though I still have my annoying cough, and my depression has eased considerably. I think I was just bored with being at home all alone with no company and no purpose. At work at least I have a purpose, if not the company (there is company but not exactly what I'm looking for or very often [I get to talk to someone every half hour or hour]). Whatever has caused the improvement I am glad for it.

I was woken early yesterday by a phonecall from Argos to arrange when to deliver my new bed and mattress. It will be here on Monday the 19th, sometime in the morning. I can't wait to see what a new bed will feel like. I've had my current one for 12 years now, so the mattress is f*ck*d. What I am not looking forward to though is putting it together, as it apparently takes 2 people, and I'll be doing it on my own. I also don't know what tools I'll need, whatever they are though I don't have any! It is being delivered on the first day of my next set of 12 days off (following my day shifts next weekend), so I wonder if I should set myself a challenge to get it christened during those 12 days? Maybe not.

One more night shift and I'll be off for another 4 days. Shame that I will be working over next weekend though as it will be Tim's birthday. I don't know if he is going to have drinks for his birthday, but I will have to take it easy if he does as I will have to go back to work the next morning. I'm not used to going home early when I go out, I'll have to be very disciplined. I'll have to find out from Tim when and where the drinks will be.

A Brighter Shade of Blue

Focusing on the negative is something that happens when you suffer from depression. It is made worse by the fact that I feel I have been working so hard over the last two years (and to a lesser extent the last ten years) to improve my life.

It does seem, however, that whatever I try just doesn't seem to work out:

I finally manage to pay of the majority of my debts, thus enabling me to be able to go out more, and all of a sudden my existing friends have moved away or don't go out as much anymore (at least not while inviting me).

I join a gym and become a supporter of a rugby club, but my lack of social interaction skills prevent me from maximising the potential friendships to be gained here. Even when I summon up the courage to try, I get shot down again.

I try and improve my work situation by setting up my own business, only for that to fail and my employers to sack me because of it, meaning that I am on £10,000 less than I was earning 3 years ago.

I keep getting knocked down and there is only so much picking yourself up again you can go through without any emotional support.

I have come to realise with depression that it is NEVER going to go away. I've had it since I was a kid and it's only over the last 10 years that I've accepted what it is and begun to deal with it. I thought I had a good handle on it by this time last year, feeling the best I had for decades for months at a time, but I still get down-funks and these seem bottomless when you are mired in them. They aren't. I will come out of it, but while I am in it I have to purge the negativity by getting it down "on paper." Hence the blog. The blog is where I put my negativity and strangely it helps. I write all the bad stuff down here and very rarely ever read it again. It is my therapist and has been for well over 4 years now. It's better than a diary as I get feedback from guys (and gals) which really can help sometimes.

Sometimes I just need to wallow until my next plan forms in my mind and I try again to fix this broken life. My life is like a stalled car and right now I need a strong hand to push me and get me rolling again. Ideally that strong hand will be a companion on my drive.

Thanks for being there guys.