A Brighter Shade of Blue

Focusing on the negative is something that happens when you suffer from depression. It is made worse by the fact that I feel I have been working so hard over the last two years (and to a lesser extent the last ten years) to improve my life.

It does seem, however, that whatever I try just doesn't seem to work out:

I finally manage to pay of the majority of my debts, thus enabling me to be able to go out more, and all of a sudden my existing friends have moved away or don't go out as much anymore (at least not while inviting me).

I join a gym and become a supporter of a rugby club, but my lack of social interaction skills prevent me from maximising the potential friendships to be gained here. Even when I summon up the courage to try, I get shot down again.

I try and improve my work situation by setting up my own business, only for that to fail and my employers to sack me because of it, meaning that I am on £10,000 less than I was earning 3 years ago.

I keep getting knocked down and there is only so much picking yourself up again you can go through without any emotional support.

I have come to realise with depression that it is NEVER going to go away. I've had it since I was a kid and it's only over the last 10 years that I've accepted what it is and begun to deal with it. I thought I had a good handle on it by this time last year, feeling the best I had for decades for months at a time, but I still get down-funks and these seem bottomless when you are mired in them. They aren't. I will come out of it, but while I am in it I have to purge the negativity by getting it down "on paper." Hence the blog. The blog is where I put my negativity and strangely it helps. I write all the bad stuff down here and very rarely ever read it again. It is my therapist and has been for well over 4 years now. It's better than a diary as I get feedback from guys (and gals) which really can help sometimes.

Sometimes I just need to wallow until my next plan forms in my mind and I try again to fix this broken life. My life is like a stalled car and right now I need a strong hand to push me and get me rolling again. Ideally that strong hand will be a companion on my drive.

Thanks for being there guys.