If

For some unknown reason I just had "The Lobster Quadrille" by Lewis Carol going through my head, but I couldn't remember all the words. After a frantic search I found a book that I haven't used for age in which I used to record all the poems and song lyrics that I really liked, before I had a computer. My Quadrille quandary sorted I looked through the book and found this one:

If

by Spike Milligan

If I were a Prince

I'd say

Give my socks a rinse!

If I were a queen

I'd say

Where have you been?

If I were a King

I'd say

Kiss my ring!

If I were a Caesar

I'd say

Arrest that geezer!

But as Captain of a whaler

I say

Hello Sailor!