Realisation

I have come to the realisation that my life has been in a real slump for the last few years. Probably about 10 years. Ever since I began living on my own, maybe even before that. It probably began from a lack of local friends when I first moved to Barnstaple, a move instigated by imagined pressure to gain promotion, even though I personally didn't want it (and wasn't ready for it). Living alone in a new area without knowing many local people, I began internalising and to rely only on myself. After my mum died later that year I began to get into debt and so had less money to get out of whatever place I was living in at the time. I failed at my job in Barnstaple and moved to Hertfordshire and began to drift from job to job and flat to flat, getting more and more into debt and still knowing no one local, and having moved away from the good friends that I did have.
I was in a slump by then that meant I had no enthusiasm to do anything. I began eating the same things every week, going to the same places (normally cruising areas and saunas), and still not getting to know any new people. By this time I also began to resent leaving the comfort zone of my own home, i.e. going to stay with friends or family, so I began to visit them less and less as well. I was gradually cutting myself off from the few people I had left who were close to me.
There was a brief period when I began to resolve some issues, while I was working at HSBC, as they provided a short course of counselling sessions and I began to take anti-depressants at the same time. I changed my work pattern to give myself more time off. I began to socialise in London, eventually moving to outer London, gaining some new friends in doing so.
Some habits have just stuck though. I have no hobbies outside of home. I do no exercise. I still basically eat the same things week after week. I have very little variety in my everyday life. I haven't had a foreign holiday since 1992. I have very few local friends, and none that ever want to do anything except go out drinking. I still resist visiting friends and family as I don't like sleeping anywhere except at home, despite how uncomfortable my old mattress is.
So, I think you will agree that I AM in a slump. I have no idea how to get out of it at the moment. But, once I resolve my debts, which should happen towards the middle of this year, I will have the funds to help me do something. Here is what I think I need to do in the very near future to help resolve my slump:

• Settle my debts
• Improve my home essentials (bed, mattress, television, computer)
• Visit my friends and family more often
• Get out to different places (not just pubs)
• Save for a holiday (Australia?)
• Increase my social circle (hopefully that won't mean having to spend time with my work colleagues outside of work, or my flatmates outside of the flat!)
• Rejoin the gym (for exercise and a different social scene)
• Vary my diet, start cooking more (rather than just microwaving), try new ingredients
• Search for a new flat and throw a flat-warming party

At least these are somethings that I can start working towards.

Despite all that I have stated above, I am not feeling depressed at the moment, just a bit down. If you understand depression then you will know the difference. I think it has something to do with being bored at the moment (as I'm off work and don't have anything to do), and the fact that I am getting frustrated at not being able to find a new job. Hopefully this will pass very quickly, I'm back to work next Monday.