In this series of WLTM I have already talked about my reasons for wanting to meet my father again. I mentioned then that I would also like to speak to my mother again for some completely different reasons.
The main reason I would love to be able to talk to my mum again is that I feel that I, and my siblings, never really appreciate or understand her while she was still alive.
With the fact that, over the last 8 years, I have come to understand and accept my depression, I have also come to believe that my mother suffered from depression too. She however suffered in silence, at least when it came to her children.
I know that she was on a number of medications, but assumed that it was for her arthritis and rheumatism, she also suffered from migraines, had mild spina bifida and had had a hysterectomy. So it is highly possible that she was also on anti-depressants too.
My best real clue to my surmising that she suffered from depression were her mood swings, which at times could be quite wild. It is well known within the family that she would slump into a really low mood should she not win at any games we played as a family. When I was still in junior school, within a couple of years of my dad's death, there was an incident that my memory has dulled about. I remember coming home from school to find that the house was locked up and I was unable to get in. I had to ask for help from an older girl from my school. I vaguely recall that my mum was found eventually trying to get a lift from a stranger almost a mile away from home. I don't think that I was ever told the whole story about this event (along with many other events from when I was a child).
Mum was alone for a lot of the time in the years after my dad passed away, despite having an affair with a neighbour who moved in with us for a while. This affair, and subsequent relationship, I believe would only have worsened her depression, because of the way that this arsehole treated her (i.e. when he left her soon after she had her hysterectomy, his verbal abuse and his alcoholism). He certainly added to my teenage angst.
I do feel that my depression, maybe depression in general, could be a hereditary condition (at least behavioural if not genetic). I would be interested to know from mum if she would agree with my opinion on this. Did either of her parents suffer from depression? I can't imagine that her father did as he always seemed like a happy fellow. I never knew her mum though as she died the same year as my dad.
When I left secondary school, I really should have gone to college and then possibly on to university. Instead I went straight to work, kidding myself that I was doing it so that I could pay mum some money in rent. I regret this decision now, especially considering that I only ended up in low paying local jobs without any real prospects. Also, if I had stayed in education my mum would have still got child benefit for me, which would have given her at least as much as I paid in rent. I wonder if she felt as let down by my decision as I now do.
I always had the intention of earning enough money to really pay my mum back for all the stress and hassle of raising the four of us essentially on her own. I wanted to be able to buy her a house, though this is something that she always resisted attempting herself (and something that I'm not even able do for myself).
My sexuality was never discussed with any of my family before mum died. I only managed to come out to my siblings about 6 years ago. With my mother, the subject of sex on any level was something that would not be broached. I remember asking her about where babies come from when I was in junior school and she embarrassingly told me they came from "down there." That was all the explanation that I would get from her. I don't believe that she would have accepted my sexuality, but I think that she would still love me. In fact, I believe that she knew that I was gay, but wanted to ignore it in the hope that it would disappear. I would like the opportunity for her to tell me how wrong I am.
Overall I would like to know that I have not disappointed my mum too much. I don't think that I have actually given her anything to be proud of as such, but as long as I haven't shamed or disappointed her.
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