Confidence

I can't access my blog while I am at work, filters you know, but this was how I felt this morning while I was there. It was 03:45 in the morning:

I really don't understand the way my mind works sometimes, but I'm not going to worry about it too much at the moment, because, for this ten minutes at least, I am in a good place. A couple of days ago I was feeling low and today I am feeling really good. I know things could be better in my life, but they could also be so much worse.
I am feeling particularly confident about my looks, which is a breakthrough for me. And by looks, I don't just mean my face, I mean my whole image. This in itself is weird because my stomach has never been as big as it is now, when I relax (which I never do in company) it hangs over my belt, a miracle considering up until 10 years ago I struggled to keep above 10 stone. I have no idea how much I weigh now, I must check to see if there are scales at the gym when I go next (I would guess at about 13 1/2 stone though).
My confidence in my image just hit me when I went to the toilet at work. I walked into the gents and there is a floor to ceiling mirror on the end wall, and I just stared at myself as I walked in and I liked what I saw. Smart looking clothes (well-pressed uniform anyway, the trousers and jacket don't match, but it only notices if you don't look too closely). I like my face, I even think I look very handsome sometimes. Sometimes. Today is one of those days, even though I have a few large spots around my neck and jawline, I still think that, today at least, I'm looking mighty fine. My deportment can be really good sometimes too, another thing that only comes with self confidence. I think I must try and remember one thing in particular when I am feeling low, or feel a low period coming on: Confidence breeds confidence. When I am confident I feel good, and feeling good makes me feel confident. Sounds simple doesn't it, but I realise that this will probably not always work for me.
I am also feeling good about my capabilities at work. I hate this job, as I may have mentioned once or twice, but I know I am good at it. Today I got a reminder that, despite my hatred for it, I have kept my standards and professionalism. Last week one of the regular guards on my shift hadn't turned up for work. When I called him he told me that he was too tired to come into work. This would have left us (me) in the position of being 33% down on my work force and unable to have breaks or do our job properly until a relief guard came in. I told him that this was unacceptable and that he had to come to work. He relented and came in (and subsequently had the hump with me for the rest of that shift).
He still has the hump with me tonight, and I am guessing that it is because I reported his behaviour to my manager who, in turn, had words with him. This makes me happy for two reasons. Firstly this kid needs a kick up the backside to make him realise that he can't just opt to work when he wants too (he has previously changed shifts with other guards without consulting any superiors, resulting in some problems). Secondly I was happy because it is the first time my manager has actually done any managing, the whole reason why I escalated the information. Hopefully I will get some professionalism out of both of them soon!
Feeling this good tonight, with my body not being any where near perfect, I can't help but wonder how good I will feel when it gets back in shape and I have a strong, toned body to show off for the first time. If, sorry WHEN that happens I am going to feel fucking amazing. How's that for more incentive to keep going to the gym?
By the way, my legs are still aching from going to the gym on Tuesday!