Who's On-Line Now?
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Changing Attitudes
Personally I've never been confused about my sexuality, I knew I "liked boys" from around the age of 7, but also knew that other people thought it was wrong so I had to hide it. From such an early age, when personality and inter-personal skills are still forming, I learned to hide my real self from everyone, thus stunting my ability to interact with other people. I was never ashamed of or felt guilty about my sexuality. I have never thought that it was wrong myself, but felt, to get by with as little hassle as possible, I had to hide who I really was. I had to hide it in every single action and word that I did or said just in case someone "figured it out." This is what led to my personal mental health issues, the strain of not feeling able to be myself.
Education and understanding in schools from an early age is needed with tough action on offending pupils AND parents. Faith schools need to be forced to comply too, if we can't scrap the outdated insidious institutions altogether. Regional youth groups need to be formed and funded for all different interests. Homosexuality needs to be normalised, instead of sensationalised in the media. We don't need newspapers effectively blackmailing celebrities to come out. We don't need sensational gay stories in soaps. Sexuality needs to be mostly incidental, not shocking.
Saturday, 21 August 2010
Boring Night, Great Day
I felt like quite a loser as in the last two places I was approached by several people telling me I looked lonely, and asking why I was out on my own. I guess I should have taken the opportunity to get to know these people, but, as usual because I thought they were just after sex and I didn't fancy them I gave them the brush off (politely I hope). I am such an idiot sometimes. I want to make new friends and then go and turn down ideal opportunities.
Today has been a much better day. I have listed tons of stuff on eBay (as it is a free listings weekend, meaning that I am not getting charged the usual 10p for each item that I list. It doesn't sound like much but it all adds up.) I'll add lots more tomorrow too.
I met Zek at the gym at around 15:00 and he showed me a couple of different sets that I can do, which I will add to my routine. My arms are really weak now though because of it. He really pushed me which I appreciated. We then went for something to eat. He drove us to Shoreditch where we had a meal in a diner place. I am now stuffed.
He asked if I wanted to go back to his for tea, but I offered to go back to mine instead, as it was nearer. He drove us back, but as I got out of the car he said he was going to head off. I think I might have offended him by not going back to his. After he paid for dinner too, Oops. He said we should do it again though.
I'm still not 100% sure that he is gay, as nothing has been said, and no action taken by either of us. To be honest I am just enjoying the company, it makes a nice change to have someone to do stuff with, so I don't actually care if he is straight. I hope the feeling is reciprocated.
Friday, 20 August 2010
The Universe Had It In For Me
I've had to tell Zek that it is cancelled and don't have any idea what to do next. I will probably see him at the gym, but don't know where else I can take him / invite him to, or even if he would be interested.
In the mean time I am thinking of going out tonight, Friday nights out are better than Saturdays (especially downstairs in Barcode, if last week is anything to go by!).
Mixed Signals
I was walking back from posting some eBay stuff this morning and just as I was about to cross the road I saw him walking towards me. I promptly changed direction, which I thought was quite obvious, and approached him. I said "Hi" as he approached, he reciprocated and then just kept walking, despite the fact that I had stopped to talk. He looked over his shoulder twice and gave me that same big smile, but carried on walking. I just don't know if he is a cock-tease, more shy than I am or just taking the piss out of me! It was really, REALLY frustrating.
I'll just have to focus on the other three guys that are paying me attention at the moment. Oh, my life is hard at times. It is like waiting for buses, nothing for ages and then loads all at once:
Zek and I have plans for tomorrow as I mentioned, and I am really looking forward to it.
Darren, from last Saturday, keeps sending me saucy texts, but I am not as interested as he is. We got on really well, but I made the mistake of kissing him despite knowing that he has a boyfriend and I regret that now. I'll have to explain that I just want to be friends and watch him disappear as guys tend to do when I tell them that.
I also keep getting texts from Fernando, a guy who lives near me (somewhere) who I often saw out in Soho and who I exchanged numbers with a few weeks ago. I'm not sure why I did as I am not attracted to him and had hardly talked to him.
It does sound like I am complaining, but I'm not, just explaining. It is actually really nice to be popular for once, though I do feel pressure to "pick" the right guy. If I pick wrong I just know all the others will disappear into the woodwork as it has happened before.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
It's a Date (?)
I also mentioned that I would probably be going to the gym before going to the match and he said he may also be there.
As usual with me, I'm waiting for the let-down, but hoping that it doesn't come. I hope that I don't cause the let-down myself (as I have done before). Sometimes I lose interest as soon as I know someone is interested in me. Fingers crossed for this one, eh?
Monday, 16 August 2010
Mr Popular?
I had to chase up my wage query (they owe me for 4 days of holiday that they didn't pay me), the arseholes offered to pay it into my account on the 27th August. I get paid weekly so I told them that I want it today or Friday at the latest, considering it was their mistake and I am now accruing interest on my overdraft because of their late payment. It will now be paid on Friday, but I am even less impressed with them than I was before (and that wasn't much to start with).
On top of that I still have not heard about my transfer request and sent my last email chasing it up, I expect that I didn't get it, and I refuse to beg. I just want out of there now. I am fed up of being the best guard there (modest much?) and still getting ignored and treated like I don't exist.
On the plus side I was inundated with texts from two guys today. One is a guy who I gave my number to as an act of friendship as he is a neighbour. The other was the guy from Friday night (who I have found out is Darren not David), he was being really flirty, but even though I really got on well with him I'm not sure I want anything more. I regret kissing him now, as he actually has a boyfriend and I don't like that he would do that and may do that to me if we were together. Is that being unrealistic?
Anyway, the attention was good for my ego, though a bit tiring, replying to his emails without promising too much back, or leading him on. I found myself wanting Zek (from the gym yesterday) to call. I'll call him in a day or so, when I know what Saturday's weather is going to be like. I want to go to see the Steelers play and then join their barbecue, but it has to be at least semi-decent weather for me to go and invite Zek too.
Sunday, 15 August 2010
I Should Stick With My Instincts
Things went downhill from when I first got into Comptons. They had sold out of my favourite beverage (on a Saturday night!! Surely you would stock up on drinks for the weekend?), I wasn't going to pay double for a "similar" drink that I don't like, so I left and went to the Duke of Wellington instead. Never a good pub to drink in on your own. I had one there and went on to Rupert Street.
I didn't speak to anyone there and there was no one that I really fancied at all. I went to Barcode at about 23:00. Same here. Not very many attractive people out, they must have all been out the night before while I was otherwise occupied. Damn.
I briefly spoke to 2 people in Barcode, one, a neighbour who I found out yesterday has deleted me from his Facebook friends (never a good feeling when someone does that, even if you don't chat with them). The other guy was someone I chat to whenever I see him, but he wasn't in a chatty mood last night as he was a bit wasted and wanted to "get it on" with a guy he was out with. I stuck it out as long as I could and came home at around midnight.
The best thing about the night is that I only wasted £30! Oh, and no hangover this morning as I had a munchies session before I went to bed.
I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow.
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Surprisingly A Good Night
It seemed to be a night for lookalikes as there was a guy who looked like Peter Serafinowicz (British comedy actor) and later on a guy who looked like Adam Lambert in his forties.
After 2 drinks in Comptons I went on to Rupert Street. Here there was a guy that I really fancied. Probably in his forties, he was handsome in a rugged way, very muscular and Eastern European, I think. He totally ignored me, even though he and his (boy)friend came and stood about 6 inches from my face. I eventually got a smile from them both at the end of the night, but that was all.
I got talking to a nice guy and we really seemed to get on. I didn't quite get his name when he first told me and was too embarrassed to ask later on, but I'm pretty sure that it was David. Annoyingly, when he texted me this morning he signed it "D." It was really nice to have someone to chat to all night from then on, but also, slightly annoying as all the nice looking guys seemed to appear after I started talking to him and I felt that I couldn't flirt as I was with D. I still had a good time though.
We ended up in Barcode until closing time, before we went our separate ways at the bus stop I was feeling really horny still (as I had been all day) and so didn't want to go home. I went for another walk around Soho, but didn't know where to go at that time, so got on the bus home.
Again, annoyingly, the cute guy who was sat next to me on the bus only gave me a flirty smile as I got off the bus!
I had such a good night last night that I am considering going out again tonight to see if I can replicate it.
Friday, 13 August 2010
Out Alone, or In Alone?
I realise that going out feeling horny isn't always the best idea, especially when going alone. I am liable to make a silly mistake come the end of the night if (when) I don't meet anyone I actually like. Decisions decisions.
I've not been out on a Friday night for ages, normally going on a Monday, Thursday or Saturday. So I guess it may make a change (though I doubt it). I really need more friends. Ones that I can actually spend time with. It would be nice.
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Family Visit
Sunday, 8 August 2010
Short Report
I found Tim & Jeremy working in the downstairs bar and again briefly chatted to Tim at the bar, it was the first time I'd seen Tim working there. I was going to leave after one drink as I was really bored and (again) there was no one else I knew and very few attractive guys to keep my interest. I decided to get one more drink and see how it went. It didn't get better. I saw about 3 guys that I actually fancied and none were interested in me. Almost at closing time a nice looking guy started chatting me up, but admitted that he was stoned and waiting to meet someone he had arranged to have sex with. He was rock hard and offered to give me a blow in the toilets. I was having a bad night so I took him up on the offer, then came home.
Other than the blow job and the fact that I only spent about £20, it was a wasted night out. Again.
And I am bored again today, with nothing to do and no one to do it with. I think I'll see if my sisters are free tomorrow and go and visit them.
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Brighton Pride
I ain't gonna happen!
Why?
There are several reasons:
1) Some of my friends just do not want to make the 1h 20m train journey each way.
2) The weather has been pretty crap this week meaning that the park will be slightly cold, wet and muddy.
3) It is almost certainly going to rain again today meaning that they would get even more wet.
4) The powers that be have decided to close the nearest train station (Preston Park) meaning that we would have to travel to the one beyond (Brighton itself) and make our way back out, on foot or by taxi, meaning further expense and more time on the actual journey.
Maybe next year? Yeah right, I said that last year! Looks like it will be a night out in Soho alone again tonight.
Friday, 6 August 2010
Setting Examples
"Thomas [said] he was pleased his experience of coming out has helped others.
He said: "Last weekend I was in London, waiting for a train on the Underground, when this teenager, who must have been around 19, came and sat next to me.
"He looked at me and said 'Are you Gareth Thomas?' and when I said yes, he replied: 'I just want to say thank you so much. I was terrified of telling my parents I was gay, but when I did they said, don't worry, haven't you heard that Gareth Thomas is gay?'.
"It took away that awful feeling that he was going to be rejected. Now, that made me feel great."
It just goes to show the good that your actions can result in. I know that, just by being out at work (at a previous position) has helped at least one person to come out and be happier with themselves, because the person told me so. I also know that it has helped at least 2 others to come out (at two separate jobs that I had). If I achieve nothing else in life (and god knows I haven't) then at least I have helped someone be happier.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Getting Abuse
Initially no one talked and then, all of a sudden, this voice started hurling abuse as me. I recognised the voice immediately, it was one of the guards from work. One of the two guards who always give me trouble. The first thing he said was "You are an ignorant man who needs to go back to school and get an education." I hung up. I knew exactly what he was "upset" about.
On Tuesday he had been covering the control room position while I was on my lunch and gave me a message when I returned. The message he gave me was "Can we ask security to turn off the pot that is boiling in the first floor kitchen tonight." I immediately asked at what time they were meant to do this. He didn't know but suggested that we do it at the start of the night shift. I explained that we can't decide when it obviously needs to be done at a specific time. I told him that I would sort it out. When I contacted the first floor chef it turns out that the message was "do NOT turn off the pot." It didn't surprise me that this idiot had messed up the message again as I am always having to make up for his lack of communication skills. And I have told him such several times, but because his main fault is that he doesn't listen properly, or if he does, then he doesn't ask when he doesn't understand an instruction. I mentioned the correction to him later and did it in a matter of fact way, not accusatory at all.
In the email conversation with the chef though I did mention that we are working on the guard's communication skills, which we are (and have been for the last 2 years without much success). I think he must have seen this email, which I didn't hide, but felt it a waste of time to mention it to the guard in question yet again.
After I had hung up on him. He tried to call another two times, I didn't answer. I will, however, be having words with my manager yet again about this guards conduct and lack of progression.
What makes me even more fed up with this guard is that he was rewarded on Tuesday with a two hour lunch cooked by the chef's just for attending a customer care course, which was not offered to the rest of us (probably because we don't need it!). Talk about rewarding ignorance.
I really want out of that place, then again there is a guard at the place I have applied to go back to who is about as bad. He seems to be Teflon coated because he is in the pocket of one of the partners, gets regular undeclared bonuses (cash and cards no less!) and even when he was sacked for leaving site 30 minutes early he was reinstated (though two other good guards who left 10 minutes early were dismissed permanently!). This is among the reasons why I want out of the security industry, but then again, I'm sure it happens in most industries.
Off out for a few drinks now, all on my own as usual, but what can you do? Looks like no one else, that I know, is going to Brighton Pride because of the crap weather this week and other reasons. Oh well, maybe I'll go to see my family in Essex this weekend instead. We shall see.
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Holidays?
I pretty much wasted today. I did manage to wake up at about 07:00 this morning, but made the mistake of going back to sleep and didn't wake again until after 11:00!! I didn't get to the post office with my eBay stuff, had my lunch late and all I DID manage was going to the gym, where I had a good workout, but there was no one really to look at while I was there (which always makes my trips there better!).
Hopefully tomorrow will be a more productive day.