Who's On-Line Now?

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Changing Attitudes

My friend Geraint has sent me a link to this interesting article in the Guardian.

Personally I've never been confused about my sexuality, I knew I "liked boys" from around the age of 7, but also knew that other people thought it was wrong so I had to hide it. From such an early age, when personality and inter-personal skills are still forming, I learned to hide my real self from everyone, thus stunting my ability to interact with other people. I was never ashamed of or felt guilty about my sexuality. I have never thought that it was wrong myself, but felt, to get by with as little hassle as possible, I had to hide who I really was. I had to hide it in every single action and word that I did or said just in case someone "figured it out." This is what led to my personal mental health issues, the strain of not feeling able to be myself.
Education and understanding in schools from an early age is needed with tough action on offending pupils AND parents. Faith schools need to be forced to comply too, if we can't scrap the outdated insidious institutions altogether. Regional youth groups need to be formed and funded for all different interests. Homosexuality needs to be normalised, instead of sensationalised in the media. We don't need newspapers effectively blackmailing celebrities to come out. We don't need sensational gay stories in soaps. Sexuality needs to be mostly incidental, not shocking.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Boring Night, Great Day

I decided that I wanted to go out last night, but as usual had no one else to go out with (Tim was packing for going on holiday today). I did my usual round Comptons > Rupert Street > Barcode. There weren't many attractive guys out, maybe a couple in Rupert Street and a couple in Barcode, but no one who sticks out in my memory. I should have stayed at home.
I felt like quite a loser as in the last two places I was approached by several people telling me I looked lonely, and asking why I was out on my own. I guess I should have taken the opportunity to get to know these people, but, as usual because I thought they were just after sex and I didn't fancy them I gave them the brush off (politely I hope). I am such an idiot sometimes. I want to make new friends and then go and turn down ideal opportunities.

Today has been a much better day. I have listed tons of stuff on eBay (as it is a free listings weekend, meaning that I am not getting charged the usual 10p for each item that I list. It doesn't sound like much but it all adds up.) I'll add lots more tomorrow too.
I met Zek at the gym at around 15:00 and he showed me a couple of different sets that I can do, which I will add to my routine. My arms are really weak now though because of it. He really pushed me which I appreciated. We then went for something to eat. He drove us to Shoreditch where we had a meal in a diner place. I am now stuffed.
He asked if I wanted to go back to his for tea, but I offered to go back to mine instead, as it was nearer. He drove us back, but as I got out of the car he said he was going to head off. I think I might have offended him by not going back to his. After he paid for dinner too, Oops. He said we should do it again though.
I'm still not 100% sure that he is gay, as nothing has been said, and no action taken by either of us. To be honest I am just enjoying the company, it makes a nice change to have someone to do stuff with, so I don't actually care if he is straight. I hope the feeling is reciprocated.

Friday, 20 August 2010

The Universe Had It In For Me

I have just received an email telling me that tomorrow's Steelers match has been cancelled due to the opposing team being unable to field a team. Bloody breeders, you just can't trust 'em.
I've had to tell Zek that it is cancelled and don't have any idea what to do next. I will probably see him at the gym, but don't know where else I can take him / invite him to, or even if he would be interested.
In the mean time I am thinking of going out tonight, Friday nights out are better than Saturdays (especially downstairs in Barcode, if last week is anything to go by!).

Mixed Signals

I've mentioned before that I have a new obsession, the guy who works in the letting agency across the road. He often smiles up at me when I am standing looking out of my window and he is either at his desk or outside having a cigarette. I had resolved to go and talk to him at some point, but wanted him to be on his own (to save my own embarrassment as much as his).
I was walking back from posting some eBay stuff this morning and just as I was about to cross the road I saw him walking towards me. I promptly changed direction, which I thought was quite obvious, and approached him. I said "Hi" as he approached, he reciprocated and then just kept walking, despite the fact that I had stopped to talk. He looked over his shoulder twice and gave me that same big smile, but carried on walking. I just don't know if he is a cock-tease, more shy than I am or just taking the piss out of me! It was really, REALLY frustrating.

I'll just have to focus on the other three guys that are paying me attention at the moment. Oh, my life is hard at times. It is like waiting for buses, nothing for ages and then loads all at once:
Zek and I have plans for tomorrow as I mentioned, and I am really looking forward to it.
Darren, from last Saturday, keeps sending me saucy texts, but I am not as interested as he is. We got on really well, but I made the mistake of kissing him despite knowing that he has a boyfriend and I regret that now. I'll have to explain that I just want to be friends and watch him disappear as guys tend to do when I tell them that.
I also keep getting texts from Fernando, a guy who lives near me (somewhere) who I often saw out in Soho and who I exchanged numbers with a few weeks ago. I'm not sure why I did as I am not attracted to him and had hardly talked to him.
It does sound like I am complaining, but I'm not, just explaining. It is actually really nice to be popular for once, though I do feel pressure to "pick" the right guy. If I pick wrong I just know all the others will disappear into the woodwork as it has happened before.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

It's a Date (?)

I waited until today to get a closer-to-the-date weather report before I invited Zek to the Steelers' friendly match on Saturday afternoon. I sent him a text when I got home from work asking him if he wanted to go, as I had mentioned the match on Sunday when we met, and within a couple of minutes he had replied saying that he would. I was a bit surprised, but very happy (both at having him as company and not having to turn up on my own again). I really hope that it doesn't rain too much on the day (or beforehand, making it too muddy).
I also mentioned that I would probably be going to the gym before going to the match and he said he may also be there.
As usual with me, I'm waiting for the let-down, but hoping that it doesn't come. I hope that I don't cause the let-down myself (as I have done before). Sometimes I lose interest as soon as I know someone is interested in me. Fingers crossed for this one, eh?

Monday, 16 August 2010

Mr Popular?

I'm not always in the best mood when I return to work, especially after 12 days off. Today however, wasn't too bad. Not great but not too bad. I managed to keep busy for most of the morning and that's about all I can hope for where I am.
I had to chase up my wage query (they owe me for 4 days of holiday that they didn't pay me), the arseholes offered to pay it into my account on the 27th August. I get paid weekly so I told them that I want it today or Friday at the latest, considering it was their mistake and I am now accruing interest on my overdraft because of their late payment. It will now be paid on Friday, but I am even less impressed with them than I was before (and that wasn't much to start with).
On top of that I still have not heard about my transfer request and sent my last email chasing it up, I expect that I didn't get it, and I refuse to beg. I just want out of there now. I am fed up of being the best guard there (modest much?) and still getting ignored and treated like I don't exist.
On the plus side I was inundated with texts from two guys today. One is a guy who I gave my number to as an act of friendship as he is a neighbour. The other was the guy from Friday night (who I have found out is Darren not David), he was being really flirty, but even though I really got on well with him I'm not sure I want anything more. I regret kissing him now, as he actually has a boyfriend and I don't like that he would do that and may do that to me if we were together. Is that being unrealistic?
Anyway, the attention was good for my ego, though a bit tiring, replying to his emails without promising too much back, or leading him on. I found myself wanting Zek (from the gym yesterday) to call. I'll call him in a day or so, when I know what Saturday's weather is going to be like. I want to go to see the Steelers play and then join their barbecue, but it has to be at least semi-decent weather for me to go and invite Zek too.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

I Should Stick With My Instincts

I knew I should have followed my instincts and stayed in last night. It wasn't a very good one. It started off well, I felt good about how I looked, which is always important, though I was still feeling tired. As I walked to the cashpoint near home I saw a guy I speak to at the gym (and had fun with a few times too) come out of the gym and briefly spoke to him. He was going into Soho too so it was possible that I would see him there (I didn't though).
Things went downhill from when I first got into Comptons. They had sold out of my favourite beverage (on a Saturday night!! Surely you would stock up on drinks for the weekend?), I wasn't going to pay double for a "similar" drink that I don't like, so I left and went to the Duke of Wellington instead. Never a good pub to drink in on your own. I had one there and went on to Rupert Street.
I didn't speak to anyone there and there was no one that I really fancied at all. I went to Barcode at about 23:00. Same here. Not very many attractive people out, they must have all been out the night before while I was otherwise occupied. Damn.
I briefly spoke to 2 people in Barcode, one, a neighbour who I found out yesterday has deleted me from his Facebook friends (never a good feeling when someone does that, even if you don't chat with them). The other guy was someone I chat to whenever I see him, but he wasn't in a chatty mood last night as he was a bit wasted and wanted to "get it on" with a guy he was out with. I stuck it out as long as I could and came home at around midnight.
The best thing about the night is that I only wasted £30! Oh, and no hangover this morning as I had a munchies session before I went to bed.
I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow.

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Surprisingly A Good Night

So, I decided that I should go out last night, though I didn't make too much effort in dressing up as I didn't expect to be staying out for very long. I did my usual route, starting in Comptons where the only good looking guys were the new hunky bear barman and a young guy who looked like an 18-year old Mark Sallinger (Puck from Glee). I got a big smile from Puck, but only as he left the bar with his friends.
It seemed to be a night for lookalikes as there was a guy who looked like Peter Serafinowicz (British comedy actor) and later on a guy who looked like Adam Lambert in his forties.
After 2 drinks in Comptons I went on to Rupert Street. Here there was a guy that I really fancied. Probably in his forties, he was handsome in a rugged way, very muscular and Eastern European, I think. He totally ignored me, even though he and his (boy)friend came and stood about 6 inches from my face. I eventually got a smile from them both at the end of the night, but that was all.
I got talking to a nice guy and we really seemed to get on. I didn't quite get his name when he first told me and was too embarrassed to ask later on, but I'm pretty sure that it was David. Annoyingly, when he texted me this morning he signed it "D." It was really nice to have someone to chat to all night from then on, but also, slightly annoying as all the nice looking guys seemed to appear after I started talking to him and I felt that I couldn't flirt as I was with D. I still had a good time though.
We ended up in Barcode until closing time, before we went our separate ways at the bus stop I was feeling really horny still (as I had been all day) and so didn't want to go home. I went for another walk around Soho, but didn't know where to go at that time, so got on the bus home.
Again, annoyingly, the cute guy who was sat next to me on the bus only gave me a flirty smile as I got off the bus!
I had such a good night last night that I am considering going out again tonight to see if I can replicate it.

Friday, 13 August 2010

Out Alone, or In Alone?

I am all dressed for going out, but don't know if I can be bothered to go out on my own yet again. I am feeling incredibly horny having been teased by the guy in the shop opposite, having a brief encounter at the gym and watching a very horny video on Gods Amongst Men featuring Billy Herrington and some young spunk having a naked wrestling match.
I realise that going out feeling horny isn't always the best idea, especially when going alone. I am liable to make a silly mistake come the end of the night if (when) I don't meet anyone I actually like. Decisions decisions.
I've not been out on a Friday night for ages, normally going on a Monday, Thursday or Saturday. So I guess it may make a change (though I doubt it). I really need more friends. Ones that I can actually spend time with. It would be nice.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Family Visit

I went to Essex to see my sisters and their kids yesterday, I go about twice a year (the other time being Christmas) and it always exhausts me. I decided to dress up to look my sexiest, to show off my new better physique, as when I went down at Christmas time, my eldest sister (Lynn) had commented on my weight (it was the heaviest I had ever been). Ironically she does this I think to deflect from the fact that she is overweight, the largest in our family, but I decline to sink to her level. I was very disappointed that not one of the family commented on how good I look. Shallow eh?
I was also disappointed that, when I got to my other sister (Maxine)'s place, I had forgotten that she had 3 very excitable dogs, and didn't know that she had added two more since my last visit. All of them Staffordshires!! So, as soon as I entered her house, all five dogs had jumped up at me and got dirty paw marks, piss marks (1 of the pups gets VERY excited) and slobber marks all over my beige trousers. Not a good start to the visit. I think Maxine could see that I was not impressed, though I kept my cool.
Eventually the dogs calmed down, but just as they did my brother-in-law came home and it started again, then with his brother, then with my niece, then with my sister. It was never ending. My niece also brought over her 3 daughters (all under 4 years old) and so there was the noise from them too, which was okay in short bursts.
Three generations (all of whom have been, or are still, a real handfull!)
The three sisters (my great-nieces).The youngest.The middle.
And the eldest and most spoiled of the lot!!
Everyone left and we then were able to relax for a couple of hours before we went out to dinner to celebrate Lynn and her hubby's 20th Anniversary, with a lovely meal at Giraffe in Lakeside. After which we returned to Lynn's for a short while, who also has a big puppy (another Staf!). I left there at just after 23:00 to get my train home.
During my visit my brother-in-law kept on offering to let me stay over for the night and saying that I could stay with them if I had to leave "the flat from hell," which, although a very nice offer and is very much appreciated, will NEVER happen. I can't put up with all those bloody dogs.
When I eventually got home after midnight I had to have a long shower to get the smell of the dogs out of me, I wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise. I do love dogs, but they are really messy and smelly animals. I was glad to be home. I got some nice pictures though.

Sunday, 8 August 2010

Short Report

I decided that I had to get out again last night, after the disappointment of missing Brighton Pride yet again. I followed my usual pattern, starting in Comptons for one drinks (there was no one there that I knew or even fancied). Then I went on to Rupert Street where there were very few guys that I fancied and no one that I knew, until Alfredo came in with a (boy)friend(?). We chatted very briefly before they went to the bar and I went on to Barcode.
I found Tim & Jeremy working in the downstairs bar and again briefly chatted to Tim at the bar, it was the first time I'd seen Tim working there. I was going to leave after one drink as I was really bored and (again) there was no one else I knew and very few attractive guys to keep my interest. I decided to get one more drink and see how it went. It didn't get better. I saw about 3 guys that I actually fancied and none were interested in me. Almost at closing time a nice looking guy started chatting me up, but admitted that he was stoned and waiting to meet someone he had arranged to have sex with. He was rock hard and offered to give me a blow in the toilets. I was having a bad night so I took him up on the offer, then came home.
Other than the blow job and the fact that I only spent about £20, it was a wasted night out. Again.
And I am bored again today, with nothing to do and no one to do it with. I think I'll see if my sisters are free tomorrow and go and visit them.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Brighton Pride

Today is the day of the party in the park for Brighton Pride. I booked the time off of work especially so that I could attend as soon as I found out the date. I've been looking forward to going there with a big group of friends and just hanging out meeting lots of sexy new people and having a great time.
I ain't gonna happen!
Why?
There are several reasons:
1) Some of my friends just do not want to make the 1h 20m train journey each way.
2) The weather has been pretty crap this week meaning that the park will be slightly cold, wet and muddy.
3) It is almost certainly going to rain again today meaning that they would get even more wet.
4) The powers that be have decided to close the nearest train station (Preston Park) meaning that we would have to travel to the one beyond (Brighton itself) and make our way back out, on foot or by taxi, meaning further expense and more time on the actual journey.

Maybe next year? Yeah right, I said that last year! Looks like it will be a night out in Soho alone again tonight.

Friday, 6 August 2010

Setting Examples

There is often debate about whether "celebrities" should come out and be open about their sexuality. I think, in most cases, it is a good thing and the following is a great example of why. Here is a snippet of an interview with Gareth Thomas that I saw on the LGBT History Month UK Facebook page (linked to Pink News [via the Daily Mail apprently!]):

"Thomas [said] he was pleased his experience of coming out has helped others.

He said: "Last weekend I was in London, waiting for a train on the Underground, when this teenager, who must have been around 19, came and sat next to me.

"He looked at me and said 'Are you Gareth Thomas?' and when I said yes, he replied: 'I just want to say thank you so much. I was terrified of telling my parents I was gay, but when I did they said, don't worry, haven't you heard that Gareth Thomas is gay?'.

"It took away that awful feeling that he was going to be rejected. Now, that made me feel great."

It just goes to show the good that your actions can result in. I know that, just by being out at work (at a previous position) has helped at least one person to come out and be happier with themselves, because the person told me so. I also know that it has helped at least 2 others to come out (at two separate jobs that I had). If I achieve nothing else in life (and god knows I haven't) then at least I have helped someone be happier.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Getting Abuse

I got a phone call earlier. The number showed as unknown, so I guessed (correctly) that it was from work. How dare they phone me on my day off. I answered it anyway, hoping that it might be a call about my transfer request. No such luck.
Initially no one talked and then, all of a sudden, this voice started hurling abuse as me. I recognised the voice immediately, it was one of the guards from work. One of the two guards who always give me trouble. The first thing he said was "You are an ignorant man who needs to go back to school and get an education." I hung up. I knew exactly what he was "upset" about.
On Tuesday he had been covering the control room position while I was on my lunch and gave me a message when I returned. The message he gave me was "Can we ask security to turn off the pot that is boiling in the first floor kitchen tonight." I immediately asked at what time they were meant to do this. He didn't know but suggested that we do it at the start of the night shift. I explained that we can't decide when it obviously needs to be done at a specific time. I told him that I would sort it out. When I contacted the first floor chef it turns out that the message was "do NOT turn off the pot." It didn't surprise me that this idiot had messed up the message again as I am always having to make up for his lack of communication skills. And I have told him such several times, but because his main fault is that he doesn't listen properly, or if he does, then he doesn't ask when he doesn't understand an instruction. I mentioned the correction to him later and did it in a matter of fact way, not accusatory at all.
In the email conversation with the chef though I did mention that we are working on the guard's communication skills, which we are (and have been for the last 2 years without much success). I think he must have seen this email, which I didn't hide, but felt it a waste of time to mention it to the guard in question yet again.
After I had hung up on him. He tried to call another two times, I didn't answer. I will, however, be having words with my manager yet again about this guards conduct and lack of progression.
What makes me even more fed up with this guard is that he was rewarded on Tuesday with a two hour lunch cooked by the chef's just for attending a customer care course, which was not offered to the rest of us (probably because we don't need it!). Talk about rewarding ignorance.
I really want out of that place, then again there is a guard at the place I have applied to go back to who is about as bad. He seems to be Teflon coated because he is in the pocket of one of the partners, gets regular undeclared bonuses (cash and cards no less!) and even when he was sacked for leaving site 30 minutes early he was reinstated (though two other good guards who left 10 minutes early were dismissed permanently!). This is among the reasons why I want out of the security industry, but then again, I'm sure it happens in most industries.

Off out for a few drinks now, all on my own as usual, but what can you do? Looks like no one else, that I know, is going to Brighton Pride because of the crap weather this week and other reasons. Oh well, maybe I'll go to see my family in Essex this weekend instead. We shall see.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Holidays?

After my last post, I decided to do something about it and sent a message to my two closest friends, Alexis and Francis. Alexis declined, not having a passport any more, but Francis said he has 2 weeks booked off in September. WE chatted and I provisionally agreed to going away for a week then. I woke this morning and my first thought was, "what do I want out of a holiday?" The last time I went on holiday it was mainly for sex, but I can get that anywhere, so what do I really want? I'm not sure and I can't think of anywhere that is not expensive (i.e. USA, Canada, Australia or NZ) that I really want to go. I've got to wait and see if anyone else at work is off at the same time as the dates Francis proposed before I can make a final decision.

I pretty much wasted today. I did manage to wake up at about 07:00 this morning, but made the mistake of going back to sleep and didn't wake again until after 11:00!! I didn't get to the post office with my eBay stuff, had my lunch late and all I DID manage was going to the gym, where I had a good workout, but there was no one really to look at while I was there (which always makes my trips there better!).

Hopefully tomorrow will be a more productive day.