The Depths

I'm am feeling the lowest that I have felt in a long time. Low enough to do something stupid like quitting my job, which would not be a sensible idea at all. My life is shit enough as it is without having no money to do the few social things that I actually get to do.
I just wish I had someone close that I could just hang out with. Talking things through with a friend is the biggest thing in life that I really miss in life. Most of my days consist of talking only to my flatmates, work colleagues (who certainly are not mates) or shop assistants. What kind of a life is that. Then, when I go out on a limb and try and take things further with someone who I seem to get on with I just get blanked. Can you guess who I'm talking about?
Yep. Nick!
I went to the gym today as usual and initially I didn't see him so though he was either off or had worked an early shift. I thought I saw him at one point, but couldn't be sure. Then after my work out (which I didn't enjoy one bit) I went from the showers to the steam room and there he was. As soon as I walked in he covered himself up more, I hope he wasn't getting up to anything as he was sat next to a guy who was at least 50 and not in shape or attractive at all, so I think it was just me he was covering up for. I made conversation about not seeing him for a while and he briefly reciprocated before leaving the steam room. A minute or so later I went to the showers and had to fight to hold back my tears (of frustration / loneliness / rejection, whatever they were for). As I finished getting changed I spoke briefly to him again and then left. I really wish that I hadn't asked him out now.
The one thing that I really enjoyed about going to the gym was seeing him and now it makes me dread going now.
I really wouldn't mind so much if he had said initially, "Sorry, no I think it's best I don't go for a drink with you," rather than say yes and then almost blank me every time he sees me after. I still wouldn't have liked it but it's better than the hanging around and not knowing before being kicked in the teeth and losing one of the few people who I actually enjoyed talking to.

I constantly wonder, especially when I am feeling as low as I am now, what the point is. Why am I struggling all the time when there is no goal for me to achieve. I'm 38 with very little relationship experience and don't enjoy sex as much as most people. Not exactly a catch am I. And before you think it, I am NOT looking for platitudes. I know I am quite attractive, that my body is quite nice (now that I've been going to the gym for 6 months) and that I am a kind and caring person. But that counts for nothing if I can't talk to people, if I can't make friends then I will never find someone to care for me back. There just is no point to my life at the moment other than struggling to get through the next shitty day. What is the f*ck*ng point?

And now I've got to prepare myself for 4 night shifts at a job I am too good for, that I hate, that doesn't pay me enough and gives me even less respect. Ho-f*ck*ng-rah!! I really don't know i I can face going in. I just know I am going to end up shouting at someone.