No Wonder I'm Still Single

I've had a few drinks so this may not make sense, but I am fuming and very upset at the same time.
I went out tonight, thinking that no one that I knew would be out. Tim is stuck in Cardiff filming and so I was resigned to the fact that I would be out on my own. I got a text from Niall asking if I was out. I was tempted to say I wasn't, but thought that he may see me anyway so decided to be honest. He joined me in Rupert Street where I had gone after one drink in a very empty Comptons.
We had about 3 drinks there before going on to Barcode. Barcode was busy, but mainly because only the upstairs was open, as per usual on a Thursday. I was really unimpressed with the music and was tempted to leave. Niall went to the toilet and pointed out a guy who was interested in me. I thought that he had been interested in Niall and so had ignored him. I didn't see Niall again after that.
I got talking to the guy, Max, who was from the UK but had a slight Aussie accent due to living there for a while. I really thought that we were getting on alright and I even began to really open up to him. He told me that he was flying out to Barcelona tomorrow and so I assumed that he wasn't one of those guys just looking for a fuck tonight. Turns out that I was wrong. I opened up to him and admitted (if that is the right term) that I am not into fucking or being fucked. Max is a total top apparently and despite me admitting that I would like someone to teach me how to get fucked and enjoy it, he would rather get someone who liked being fucked already. He made his flimsy excuse and said he wanted to speak to a friend of his, seconds later I saw him snogging another guy.
No wonder I am single when every guy I ever get interested in only ever wants me so they can fuck me.
I really thought that this guy was a nice one, who may be willing to take it slowly with me and teach me how to enjoy being fucked (because I really do not enjoy it, and haven't been fucked for at least 12 years now). But it turns out that every guy that I meet is a complete arsehole only after one thing, to fuck my arse no matter what I want. Max was like this, Mauro was like this, several guys at the gym are like this and the unnamed guy who I gained a Calvin Klein watch off was like this, all despite me telling them upfront that I don't like being fucked. It makes me fucking despair of the shallowness of the gay scene.
All I want is to be intimate with a nice guy, to get to know them and THEN to let them experiment with maybe fucking me. I suffer for being honest with guys upfront. Why are guys such fucking arseholes?
I barely managed to hold back my tears of anger, frustration and disappointment all the way home. "F*ck*ng c*nt", is all I can think.
I guess that is what I get for letting my guard down. I normally do not let people through my armour so quickly. Serves me right I suppose.

Flat Hunting

I was just standing at my bedroom window, as I often do when I am bored, when I noticed a letting board outside the apartment building across the road. I checked out the flat on the internet and it is beautiful and a really good size. It's fourth floor, 2 double bedrooms, 2 bathrooms (1 en suite) and has all the accessories that I would need (i.e. washing machine, fridge etc). Unfortunately I can't afford it. It is quite reasonable, for a 2-bed place, but even if I did have someone to share it with I couldn't afford £200 a week for my half, and that is before any bills! I'm still waiting to see what my rent is going to go up to here. I almost wish I hadn't looked at this place now!
I've also just chased up my job transfer request too as I need to know a.s.a.p. because my CCTV licence is going to expire in the middle of August and I will need to renew it if I am going to be back at my old place.

Bored Again

Yep, I'm bored again, but I guess boredom is the least of my worries. My stomach is still a bit delicate, probably doesn't help that I've not had much fresh fruit and veg over the last 2 days, I've just not felt in the mood to cook or spend ages preparing a salad.
I've managed to keep going to the gym, and even had a good session today upping the weights on several sets. I did those abs exercises this morning again, or at least the ones that I could manage. I think I'll try to keep it up.
Nick was at the gym again, though not very chatty, I really don't get him. I'd give up if I wasn't still a bit smitten. Sad, eh?
Being a Monday night, I am really tempted to go out again tonight (obviously my stomach can't be as bad as it was), but time is getting on and no one is going to be out, that I know of. I'm intending to go out on Thursday night, so I think missing tonight won't be a bad thing (saving some money at least).
Still bored though.

Tim's Drinks

I did go to the gym yesterday afternoon, but I certainly was not going to do a cardio session with the way my stomach was still feeling. I decided to do a chest & arms workout (which is next on my cycle of 3 work out sessions - the other being back & shoulders). I still didn't manage to do a full work out but was glad that I tried.
When I got home I intended to eat some chicken soup before going out to meet Tim for his birthday drinks, as all I had had to eat up to that point was some Marmite sandwiches. Instead I fell asleep and ended up getting to Rupert Street at 18:30 (Tim had said he would be there from 17:00), but it was fine as there were a few people already there. I started on J20 (fruit juice) and after 2 of those decided to risk a cider. The pint of cider lasted me over an hour, I wasn't enjoying it and ended up throwing half of it away.
It was a good evening with some good company (and some bad), but I must say that my friends are bloody useless when it comes to introductions. At one point we were talking in two separate groups, which happens when there are a few of you, and the other group were joined by a guy who I noticed had amazing eyes, a really pale blue colour. He was also nicely built, tanned and good looking. I didn't know who he knew in the other group but I did hear him ask who among the whole group was single (which was pretty much everyone except Tim and his boyfriend Niall). He was then joined by another guy who I assumed was his boyfriend. I later found out that it wasn't his boyfriend and that the guy, Gabriel, had said that he thought I was nice. I can't believe that no one even considered introducing us. Bloody idiots. No wonder I am single. I have to do everything for myself.
Unfortunately I was subjected to the attention of one of Richard's friends who would not leave me alone. He actually began to creep me out a little bit. I didn't find him remotely attractive, but was pleasantly surprised when I found out he was a year younger than me (as I thought he was at least 5 years older), it made me feel better about myself. I also got a few compliments about my physique, from my friends and strangers, notably my chest (this year's emphasis on v-neck tops really helps when you have a semi-decent chest).
There were quite a few gorgeous guys about, but we were stood in one place almost the whole time so it was difficult to cruise, and being polite I wanted to join in the conversations (which bizarrely ranged from toilet rolls to apples to 1960's kitchenware!!).
We later moved on to the Yard at Tim's request, though he was the only one who really wanted to go there, where promptly saw some other friends and left the rest of us sitting in a corner wondering why we were there.
We decided to move on to Barcode, but the others didn't want to pay to get in so went to the Admiral Duncan. I didn't want to go there, I've never really liked the place, so I went back to Barcode. I only had one in there before leaving and coming home though.

All in all a good night out, despite the not-drinking-much and lack of pulling! I also think that Tim might have actually liked the book that I bought him for his birthday, though I was really not sure if it would be any good (it was work related for him, but I read reviews which said it was a good reference source for those in his business, so I really hope that he likes it).

Productivity

I had a fairly productive day yesterday, for a change. I had to get up early (early for a day off anyway) as my new bed and mattress were being delivered. They arrived at 07:40, which was great because I didn't have to hang around waiting (they initially told me between 7 and 12). I put the bed together in just over an hour, which wasn't bad considering it was meant to take 2 people and the tools they provide were less than adequate.
I also managed to post some more eBay items, did 2 lots of washing, spoke to my sister Lynn on the phone, bought new bedding and dressed the bed, went to the gym and had an hour out in the sun. By 18:30 I was feeling randy (from being in the sun and going to the gym) and, realising that it was Monday, decided to go out. I got to Comptons at 20:30, but it wasn't as good as last week. I went on to Rupert Street which was really quiet, though there were some lovely guys outside. There was also a new barman (boy) who was quite cute and nicely built who looked like he should be in Bel Ami films. And then I went on to Barcode. I was one of the first customers there and it was over an hour before a decent crowd turned up, though I did have a laugh with the bar staff. Jeremy and Tim were there, strangely Jeremy didn't give me a free drink when he served me though which was unusual. Jason, from last week and once before, was also there and we had a good laugh and sing-along to the old-school music. I eventually went back to his hotel (again). It was slightly more successful than last time, though still not 100%. I got home at around 03:00.
I didn't notice when I got in it, because I was still a bit drunk and very tired, more so because I walked home, but when I woke up I remembered I was in my new bed and realised how comfortable it was. I am so glad that I can no longer feel every single bedspring. A good purchase I think.
Today hasn't been as productive, but I have taken more stuff to the post office and I will be going to the gym later (and I really want to hook up with someone there so it probably won't happen, never does when I want or expect it).

Dreaming

I had a pleasant dream last night, though the implications that I am back to where I was emotionally a few weeks ago are not good:

I was at work, although it didn't look like the building I work in but was in the same location. I was sat by the window when I saw Nick walk past outside. I knocked on the window and waved and he came into the building through a door behind me and told me that he was on a course for work in the building. I finished work and hung around for him to finish his course. When he did I was introduced to the other people on his course and we had a bit of a laugh.
Change of scene and we were both then on a car trip with my eldest sister, my niece Molly and at least one of her 3 brothers, all of whom really got on well with Nick, when the car broke down. We were given a lift by a strange woman who drove maniacally along a narrow country road filled with potholes.

It seems pretty straight forward what my subconscious is trying to tell me: I want to be with (someone like) Nick, I am looking for a gregarious friend / partner to improve my social skills, but that I am worried about the age difference (him getting on with my niece and nephew as they are closer to his age than I am), and that I think it would be a difficult relationship. Looks like I may be slipping back into my "crush" stage with Nick again, since things have seemingly gone back to normal between us. I need something / one to take my mind off of him. Any ideas / offers?

Good Day

I slept in longer that I wanted to this morning, but still had a good, fairly productive day. I got tons of eBay items posted (I'll be listing some more items later), got some books in Forbidden Planet (okay technically they were comics), done my grocery shopping and I've been to the gym.
At the gym it was quite busy, with loads of staff and clients. There was another spectacular guy there, very similar to the guy yesterday without the tattoo. Nick was there too and he commented on today's guy. I told him to go for it. He then told me that he was "sort-of" seeing someone at the moment (who is on holiday in Mykanos), which I hope explains why he didn't call me about the drinks. We chatted like we used to so hopefully things will be back to normal now between us.
Got chatting to a guy I've said "Hi" to a few times in the gym, and had a little fun with in the sauna before, and even got to know his name this time. Had a little fun again with him and a third guy. I think I've had my fair share of affirmation this week!
I'm back to work tomorrow and I'm interested to see what my manager will say about my request for a transfer.

Good Night

As Tim is stuck in Cardiff this week, and so won't be going out on or around his birthday for drinks, I decided that I had to get out last night. I left later than usual and got into Comptons at around 20:30 and, for a change, the music there was really quite good. It was also cheap drinks night, which I always forget on Mondays. From the moment I got in there I counted 9 people that I actually knew, which made a nice change.
I then went on to Rupert Street for one drink before heading to Barcode, where they usually play great old (70's, 80's, 90's) music. The music wasn't as good as usual but there were lots of people I knew to talk to, including the guy whose hotel I went back to a couple of weeks back (who had fallen asleep while I was in the bathroom). I got to ask his name (as I'd forgotten it) and got his number too, quite a sexy guy.
I came home alone, feeling really randy, but had a great night which is always good. Just what I needed.

Dreams

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Better

I've been feeling better since I've been back at work, which is a first. My cold / hayfever is better, though I still have my annoying cough, and my depression has eased considerably. I think I was just bored with being at home all alone with no company and no purpose. At work at least I have a purpose, if not the company (there is company but not exactly what I'm looking for or very often [I get to talk to someone every half hour or hour]). Whatever has caused the improvement I am glad for it.

I was woken early yesterday by a phonecall from Argos to arrange when to deliver my new bed and mattress. It will be here on Monday the 19th, sometime in the morning. I can't wait to see what a new bed will feel like. I've had my current one for 12 years now, so the mattress is f*ck*d. What I am not looking forward to though is putting it together, as it apparently takes 2 people, and I'll be doing it on my own. I also don't know what tools I'll need, whatever they are though I don't have any! It is being delivered on the first day of my next set of 12 days off (following my day shifts next weekend), so I wonder if I should set myself a challenge to get it christened during those 12 days? Maybe not.

One more night shift and I'll be off for another 4 days. Shame that I will be working over next weekend though as it will be Tim's birthday. I don't know if he is going to have drinks for his birthday, but I will have to take it easy if he does as I will have to go back to work the next morning. I'm not used to going home early when I go out, I'll have to be very disciplined. I'll have to find out from Tim when and where the drinks will be.

A Brighter Shade of Blue

Focusing on the negative is something that happens when you suffer from depression. It is made worse by the fact that I feel I have been working so hard over the last two years (and to a lesser extent the last ten years) to improve my life.

It does seem, however, that whatever I try just doesn't seem to work out:

I finally manage to pay of the majority of my debts, thus enabling me to be able to go out more, and all of a sudden my existing friends have moved away or don't go out as much anymore (at least not while inviting me).

I join a gym and become a supporter of a rugby club, but my lack of social interaction skills prevent me from maximising the potential friendships to be gained here. Even when I summon up the courage to try, I get shot down again.

I try and improve my work situation by setting up my own business, only for that to fail and my employers to sack me because of it, meaning that I am on £10,000 less than I was earning 3 years ago.

I keep getting knocked down and there is only so much picking yourself up again you can go through without any emotional support.

I have come to realise with depression that it is NEVER going to go away. I've had it since I was a kid and it's only over the last 10 years that I've accepted what it is and begun to deal with it. I thought I had a good handle on it by this time last year, feeling the best I had for decades for months at a time, but I still get down-funks and these seem bottomless when you are mired in them. They aren't. I will come out of it, but while I am in it I have to purge the negativity by getting it down "on paper." Hence the blog. The blog is where I put my negativity and strangely it helps. I write all the bad stuff down here and very rarely ever read it again. It is my therapist and has been for well over 4 years now. It's better than a diary as I get feedback from guys (and gals) which really can help sometimes.

Sometimes I just need to wallow until my next plan forms in my mind and I try again to fix this broken life. My life is like a stalled car and right now I need a strong hand to push me and get me rolling again. Ideally that strong hand will be a companion on my drive.

Thanks for being there guys.

The Depths

I'm am feeling the lowest that I have felt in a long time. Low enough to do something stupid like quitting my job, which would not be a sensible idea at all. My life is shit enough as it is without having no money to do the few social things that I actually get to do.
I just wish I had someone close that I could just hang out with. Talking things through with a friend is the biggest thing in life that I really miss in life. Most of my days consist of talking only to my flatmates, work colleagues (who certainly are not mates) or shop assistants. What kind of a life is that. Then, when I go out on a limb and try and take things further with someone who I seem to get on with I just get blanked. Can you guess who I'm talking about?
Yep. Nick!
I went to the gym today as usual and initially I didn't see him so though he was either off or had worked an early shift. I thought I saw him at one point, but couldn't be sure. Then after my work out (which I didn't enjoy one bit) I went from the showers to the steam room and there he was. As soon as I walked in he covered himself up more, I hope he wasn't getting up to anything as he was sat next to a guy who was at least 50 and not in shape or attractive at all, so I think it was just me he was covering up for. I made conversation about not seeing him for a while and he briefly reciprocated before leaving the steam room. A minute or so later I went to the showers and had to fight to hold back my tears (of frustration / loneliness / rejection, whatever they were for). As I finished getting changed I spoke briefly to him again and then left. I really wish that I hadn't asked him out now.
The one thing that I really enjoyed about going to the gym was seeing him and now it makes me dread going now.
I really wouldn't mind so much if he had said initially, "Sorry, no I think it's best I don't go for a drink with you," rather than say yes and then almost blank me every time he sees me after. I still wouldn't have liked it but it's better than the hanging around and not knowing before being kicked in the teeth and losing one of the few people who I actually enjoyed talking to.

I constantly wonder, especially when I am feeling as low as I am now, what the point is. Why am I struggling all the time when there is no goal for me to achieve. I'm 38 with very little relationship experience and don't enjoy sex as much as most people. Not exactly a catch am I. And before you think it, I am NOT looking for platitudes. I know I am quite attractive, that my body is quite nice (now that I've been going to the gym for 6 months) and that I am a kind and caring person. But that counts for nothing if I can't talk to people, if I can't make friends then I will never find someone to care for me back. There just is no point to my life at the moment other than struggling to get through the next shitty day. What is the f*ck*ng point?

And now I've got to prepare myself for 4 night shifts at a job I am too good for, that I hate, that doesn't pay me enough and gives me even less respect. Ho-f*ck*ng-rah!! I really don't know i I can face going in. I just know I am going to end up shouting at someone.

Down Day

I was hoping that today was going to be a good day, as, when I woke this morning I didn't feel as crap as I have been doing for the last couple of weeks. My throat wasn't as sore as normal and my nose not as blocked or scabby, meaning that I probably had managed to breathe through my nose for at least some of the night.
I posted off ten more packages with my eBay sales in them and packed up another to send off tomorrow.
I then waited around to go to the gym (I can't face going there when the lunch time crowd are there). As it was I still wasn't able to get into the free weight area as it was constantly packed. When I got into the gym area I saw Nick, for the first time in ages, though he was walking in the opposite direction. I guess he must have been finishing his shift because I didn't see him after this.
Now I have nothing to do until I go to the post office and gym tomorrow, before heading off to work for the night shift. I hate my life so much at the moment.
I've updated my Facebook status and it says it all really:
"Alex thinks that it's about time someONE good happened to him!"

Feeling Rough

I am so fed up of feeling like crap. I've had this cold, or whatever it is, for over 3 weeks now. Every morning I am waking up with a sore throat (from having to breath through my mouth all night as my nose is blocked). I have a scabbed nose, because I've had to wipe it so much that I've lost a layer of skin on my septum, which makes wiping it now really painful. I'm coughing all the time, with almost nothing to cough up. I have a headache all day, and occasionally feel dizzy. Somehow I don't think my upcoming night shifts are going to help at all!
I just want to feel normal again.
I still managed to get to the gym today, but I wasn't really into it and cut my cardio session short when I'd had enough.
What is making it worse is that I am feeling really horny all the time, but am not exactly looking at my best to try and pull.

On top of me feeling down, I checked my bank balance today and it is not good. I'm further into my overdraft than I have been in months, and I still have to take out £200 tomorrow for the rest of my rent. I've transferred £110 from Paypal into my account (from the results of my eBay sales) but it won't make much of a dent in the deficit. Even with my wages going in on Friday I will still be in my overdraft.

I need:
To be healthy again.
To get a new job.
To improve my social life (i.e. have some mates to hang out with on a day-to-day basis, not just every other month)
To find a new home.

Not much to ask is it?

Flat Hunting

I've just been to see a flat this evening in London Bridge / Borough, with a view to sharing it and moving out of "The Flat From Hell." It would be sharing with Lawrence, who I met at Richard's party last night, who seems like a decent guy. The flat is a good size, though the layout wastes some space, and my room is about the same size as my current one.
Unfortunately there are several things which make me not want to take it:
Firstly, although the rent is really reasonable, it is still more than I am paying at the moment. There will be bills to pay on top of that and a large deposit, top that off with moving costs and extra travel costs, I just don't think I could afford it.
It would also mean that I would have to get up earlier in the morning to get to work, which is not a desirable thing at all.
I also really do not want to move away from the Barbican as I love this area.
I'm going to have to turn it down. Bummer!

Richard's Party

As planned, I went to the gym yesterday, but as my cold is coming to an end (I hope) I was experiencing the worst effects and began to feel dizzy while I was lifting weights, so I gave up.

I got changed and headed into Soho to check out Pride planning to go on to Richard's party straight from there. I walked through Soho Square, down to Compton Street, along to The Duke of Wellington and round to Rupert Street. It was packed in most places but lacked atmosphere except in a couple of places, so I gave up and came back home. I did manage to see Chris Geary in his usual finery which is always a pleasure.

I got to Richard's party in Clapham at about 20:30 and initially wasn't impressed. The room he had was upstairs in the pub, and looked like a squat. There were only a couple of people there that I knew to start and the straight crowd in the bar downstairs looked intimidating. But after I'd relaxed a bit I had a really good time, and the crowd downstairs were actually quite friendly. A few of the guys were incredibly sexy and a couple even made a point of saying hello, several times. One of them felt that he had to come over to tell me that he was straight at the end of the night though, I didn't doubt it, but maybe he was protesting too much??

When we all left, at 03:00 I was still in the party mood and so went on to the 2 Brewers, thinking that it was open for another couple of hours. Unfortunately it closed at 04:00, which was probably for the best actually.

I have a headache still, which does not seem to want to shift. I am still intending to head to the gym later though, probably about 17:00 (to give me more time to recover).

Oh, I almost forgot, I got talking to a friend of Richard's, who I've met once before, and he has a room to rent at a reasonable price and within walking distance of work, though a lot further from there than I am at the moment. I am thinking of going to view it tonight, it can't hurt can it?

London Pride / Richard's Birthday

Today is London Pride and it is a nice day. It is not a totally clear sky, with a fair bit of cloud, but this will make it more comfortable all day for most I think. I wasn't intending to go to Pride considering I'm going to Richard's birthday drinks tonight, but I am tempted to go and see what I am missing, though I don't know anyone else who is going. I am also intending to go to the gym today, so I guess I best get a move on.
What is ruining this day for me already is my cold. It has been dragging on for over 2 weeks now. It isn't a particularly bad cold, but is getting me down, especially now as my nose is so sore (because of all the blowing and wiping) and I've lost a layer of skin from my nasal septum, it is so tender now and my nose is still running (not a pretty site I guess).
I've not decided what to wear today yet, it has to be something that will be suitable for the daytime heat and the nighttime coolness. Decisions, decisions.

Oh, and just for the record I have given up on hoping that Nick will contact me about going out for drinks. Should've known better really shouldn't I?