Emotional Rainbow

I could describe myself as an emotional rainbow, experiencing most emotions in one day, I guess a lot of people could.

Within the DC Comics Universe there are several groups whose powers derive from rings of different colours, empowered by different emotional concepts. The most well know of these, and the subject of a forthcoming film, is Green Lantern. Green Lantern is one of my favourite DC characters, so I am looking forward to the film, starring the gorgeous Ryan Reynolds.

Green Lantern wears a ring which is powered by Willpower.

Other emotion-linked colours in the DC Universe are Yellow (Fear), Red (Rage), Orange (Avarice), Blue (Hope), Indigo (Compassion) & Violet (Love).

In a bored moment at work I began to wonder what, in my life, makes me feel each of these emotions. Here's what I came up with:

Willpower: What makes me feel strong? What empowers me? I guess looking back on previous achievements in my life does, sometimes these can be the smallest thing that other people wouldn't even consider as worthy, but I do. For example, knowing that I have been an example to someone just by openly being myself, enabling them to see that they have the strength within themselves to come out, makes me feel good and makes me feel stronger. I know for a fact that 3 former co-workers have felt this way, because they have told me so.

Thinking about how much I have achieved over the last few years also makes me feel stronger: Getting myself out of debt, then increasing my savings while also treating myself to some essentials and some treats.

Also, feeling better within myself, i.e. not feeling depressed ALL the time, also makes me feel good. The longer I feel okay, the better I feel, which in turn makes me feel okay for even longer. A good circle of emotions. Feeling strong makes me feel stronger! Does that make sense?

Fear: What am I afraid of? Being alone forever, I guess. I am so tired of having to live my life without anyone to share it with. I fear that the rest of my life will be that lonely too. I just want to find a lifetime companion, even if it is not a lover, a "best mate" would be just as rewarding I think.

I am also, and have always been, afraid of looking foolish. Sometimes refusing to do a task while trying not to look foolish has made me look more foolish than I would have done though, so I hope that I am learning from this fear, or more accurately this Pride!!

I am certainly not afraid of death. Though hope that when my time comes it is not too painful.

Rage: What makes me angry? Lately, lots of things. Not being treated with respect by my employers and co-workers is one. Ditto for my landlord.

Disparity of wealth in the world make me angry too, especially, for some reason, when it comes to professional footballers. I don’t feel that any of them provide a good enough example of how to live a decent life to justify their extortionate wages. I have more respect for the ones that you NEVER see in the papers, than those you do. Maybe this is exacerbated by the their constant refusal to support LGBT issues within their sport, unlike almost every other sporting group?

Inconsideration makes me more angry than it should too. I get very angry at people who block pavements, walk slowly, drop litter, blow smoke in your face etc. etc. etc. I, for example, always look around me before changing direction even when I'm walking. I just wish everyone was aware of and considerate of their surrounding environment.

Avarice (i.e. Greed): I wouldn't consider myself greedy, who would, but I guess I can be quite envious, a slightly different emotion. I see other people in relationships and I think "Why don't I have that?" I don't think that is a bad thing.

I do know that I appreciate things a lot more if I've earned them. Having paid off immense debt and now been able to treat myself to things, I really appreciate it more than if I had paid for it on a credit card. So I rarely see something and think "I want that", without working out how long it will take to earn the money to be able to afford it and feel I've worked for it. Saying that I, like most people, would love to win a Lotto amount of money, but then I've also worked out who I know that I could distribute some of the money to before I begin spending a portion on myself.

Hope: What gives me hope? A really difficult one that I've had to think about for a while. For a long time I've been more of a despairing person than a hopeful one. I am achieving things lately that I have dreamed of for a long time. Not having much of a social life for a few years really makes me appreciate that now I am getting back into the swing of things. I am making more friends, now that I am taking chances, going places and leaving myself more open to people. I was closed off for so long. So my new, burgeoning friendships are giving me hope that I will make more and maybe, just maybe, one of them will develop into something wonderful.

Compassion: What makes me feel compassionate? Hmmn. Difficult. It is difficult to distinguish between love and compassion. Empathy and sympathy are synonymous with compassion so I will regard them instead. I can obviously empathise with others who have gone through situations and experienced the same general emotions that I have, such as depression & despair, lost family and friends and debt and occupational worries. I sympathise with all the above too, as well as those who suffer through no fault of their own.

War, famine, disease, disasters all make me feel sympathetic, though not empathetic as I've never experienced these myself. I am not an overly sympathetic person though, as these things do not prey on my mind. I have come to regard everyone's life as their own to sort out. Well done to those people who have the time, money, resources and emotional strength to help others. I have enough problems trying to keep my own life in balance. I guess I could be regarded as selfish in that respect.

I can become overly tearful at the slightest thing though, a cheesy television moment, a song that triggers a specific memory. I can burst into happy or sad tears at a moments notice. Maybe I protect myself from reality and compensate by overreacting to fantasy and memory? Who knows?

Love: Who and what do I love? I love my family, though mostly because they are family rather than because of their personalities. That sounds awful, but it is honest. There are far too many differences between us all and we are not particularly close. I don’t think I would chose any of them as friends. (Another harsh comment I suppose).

I love my longest standing friends, Alexis and Francis, they have both helped me through a lot, sometimes without even knowing they were helping. Knowing I can rely on them can lift a massive weight off of my shoulders. The same went for Craig when he was alive. Truly the most influential person in my life ever. I care a lot about other close friends, but none come close the my feelings for the Torquay Three!!

Things I love include: Watching a good television show / film (good production, acting, writing etc.), which is becoming a rarity lately; Getting unexpected gifts or finding things (even finding a penny in the street puts a smile on my face [coming from my poverty-stricken days I guess]); LOLling (laughing out loud) which cannot happen often enough, vintage Victoria Wood is great for this; New comics with great stories, art and lots of characters, many comics now have artwork that I just don't like or violence-filled stories rather than event-filled action and emotion, probably why I've found it easier to wean myself off of most of the titles that I used to buy; Catching up with old friends or meeting new ones, socialising is becoming easier for me and I find myself loving it more and more, after years of being a bit of a loner;

Well, that's what makes me feel emotional. What does it for you?