Emotional Rainbow

I could describe myself as an emotional rainbow, experiencing most emotions in one day, I guess a lot of people could.

Within the DC Comics Universe there are several groups whose powers derive from rings of different colours, empowered by different emotional concepts. The most well know of these, and the subject of a forthcoming film, is Green Lantern. Green Lantern is one of my favourite DC characters, so I am looking forward to the film, starring the gorgeous Ryan Reynolds.

Green Lantern wears a ring which is powered by Willpower.

Other emotion-linked colours in the DC Universe are Yellow (Fear), Red (Rage), Orange (Avarice), Blue (Hope), Indigo (Compassion) & Violet (Love).

In a bored moment at work I began to wonder what, in my life, makes me feel each of these emotions. Here's what I came up with:

Willpower: What makes me feel strong? What empowers me? I guess looking back on previous achievements in my life does, sometimes these can be the smallest thing that other people wouldn't even consider as worthy, but I do. For example, knowing that I have been an example to someone just by openly being myself, enabling them to see that they have the strength within themselves to come out, makes me feel good and makes me feel stronger. I know for a fact that 3 former co-workers have felt this way, because they have told me so.

Thinking about how much I have achieved over the last few years also makes me feel stronger: Getting myself out of debt, then increasing my savings while also treating myself to some essentials and some treats.

Also, feeling better within myself, i.e. not feeling depressed ALL the time, also makes me feel good. The longer I feel okay, the better I feel, which in turn makes me feel okay for even longer. A good circle of emotions. Feeling strong makes me feel stronger! Does that make sense?

Fear: What am I afraid of? Being alone forever, I guess. I am so tired of having to live my life without anyone to share it with. I fear that the rest of my life will be that lonely too. I just want to find a lifetime companion, even if it is not a lover, a "best mate" would be just as rewarding I think.

I am also, and have always been, afraid of looking foolish. Sometimes refusing to do a task while trying not to look foolish has made me look more foolish than I would have done though, so I hope that I am learning from this fear, or more accurately this Pride!!

I am certainly not afraid of death. Though hope that when my time comes it is not too painful.

Rage: What makes me angry? Lately, lots of things. Not being treated with respect by my employers and co-workers is one. Ditto for my landlord.

Disparity of wealth in the world make me angry too, especially, for some reason, when it comes to professional footballers. I don’t feel that any of them provide a good enough example of how to live a decent life to justify their extortionate wages. I have more respect for the ones that you NEVER see in the papers, than those you do. Maybe this is exacerbated by the their constant refusal to support LGBT issues within their sport, unlike almost every other sporting group?

Inconsideration makes me more angry than it should too. I get very angry at people who block pavements, walk slowly, drop litter, blow smoke in your face etc. etc. etc. I, for example, always look around me before changing direction even when I'm walking. I just wish everyone was aware of and considerate of their surrounding environment.

Avarice (i.e. Greed): I wouldn't consider myself greedy, who would, but I guess I can be quite envious, a slightly different emotion. I see other people in relationships and I think "Why don't I have that?" I don't think that is a bad thing.

I do know that I appreciate things a lot more if I've earned them. Having paid off immense debt and now been able to treat myself to things, I really appreciate it more than if I had paid for it on a credit card. So I rarely see something and think "I want that", without working out how long it will take to earn the money to be able to afford it and feel I've worked for it. Saying that I, like most people, would love to win a Lotto amount of money, but then I've also worked out who I know that I could distribute some of the money to before I begin spending a portion on myself.

Hope: What gives me hope? A really difficult one that I've had to think about for a while. For a long time I've been more of a despairing person than a hopeful one. I am achieving things lately that I have dreamed of for a long time. Not having much of a social life for a few years really makes me appreciate that now I am getting back into the swing of things. I am making more friends, now that I am taking chances, going places and leaving myself more open to people. I was closed off for so long. So my new, burgeoning friendships are giving me hope that I will make more and maybe, just maybe, one of them will develop into something wonderful.

Compassion: What makes me feel compassionate? Hmmn. Difficult. It is difficult to distinguish between love and compassion. Empathy and sympathy are synonymous with compassion so I will regard them instead. I can obviously empathise with others who have gone through situations and experienced the same general emotions that I have, such as depression & despair, lost family and friends and debt and occupational worries. I sympathise with all the above too, as well as those who suffer through no fault of their own.

War, famine, disease, disasters all make me feel sympathetic, though not empathetic as I've never experienced these myself. I am not an overly sympathetic person though, as these things do not prey on my mind. I have come to regard everyone's life as their own to sort out. Well done to those people who have the time, money, resources and emotional strength to help others. I have enough problems trying to keep my own life in balance. I guess I could be regarded as selfish in that respect.

I can become overly tearful at the slightest thing though, a cheesy television moment, a song that triggers a specific memory. I can burst into happy or sad tears at a moments notice. Maybe I protect myself from reality and compensate by overreacting to fantasy and memory? Who knows?

Love: Who and what do I love? I love my family, though mostly because they are family rather than because of their personalities. That sounds awful, but it is honest. There are far too many differences between us all and we are not particularly close. I don’t think I would chose any of them as friends. (Another harsh comment I suppose).

I love my longest standing friends, Alexis and Francis, they have both helped me through a lot, sometimes without even knowing they were helping. Knowing I can rely on them can lift a massive weight off of my shoulders. The same went for Craig when he was alive. Truly the most influential person in my life ever. I care a lot about other close friends, but none come close the my feelings for the Torquay Three!!

Things I love include: Watching a good television show / film (good production, acting, writing etc.), which is becoming a rarity lately; Getting unexpected gifts or finding things (even finding a penny in the street puts a smile on my face [coming from my poverty-stricken days I guess]); LOLling (laughing out loud) which cannot happen often enough, vintage Victoria Wood is great for this; New comics with great stories, art and lots of characters, many comics now have artwork that I just don't like or violence-filled stories rather than event-filled action and emotion, probably why I've found it easier to wean myself off of most of the titles that I used to buy; Catching up with old friends or meeting new ones, socialising is becoming easier for me and I find myself loving it more and more, after years of being a bit of a loner;

Well, that's what makes me feel emotional. What does it for you?

Dream Dream Dream

I was woken from a dream by my alarm clock a few minutes ago and have to write down what the dream was otherwise I'll forget it. It was a fairly funny one, at least while I was dreaming it it was. Readers from outside the UK will not know who these people are unfortunately. I was seeing Kirstie Allsop and Phil Spencer filming an episode of their television program "Location Location Location" and helping them were Phil's son and Kirsie's daughter. Both were in their late teens and looked similar to their parent (Kirstie and Phil may even have been married in the dream, they're not in real life). While they were shooting a scene in the garden of the house, Kirstie comes running out of the door into the garden and loudly whispers to Phil, "They know I've been sleeping in the kitchen!" At which point the four of them pretend to be filming another sequence all the while ignoring the couple calling them from the door, and backing towards their S.U.V. where their equipment is stored, trying to get away before the couple reach them. I wish I hadn't woken as I never found out if they made it! Nice to have an amusing dream for a change, maybe it reflects my more positive outlook lately?

Great Weekend

I've had a fantastic weekend. Yesterday I went to the gym in the late morning, but felt that I was rushing as I thought I had to be at West Ham for 14:30 today. I only stayed in the gym for 40 minutes and there was no one in the steam room / sauna to keep me hanging around either (despite there being quite a few really hot guys on the gym floor). I was lucky that only one tube line was affected by works this weekend, so it wasn't too difficult to get to West Ham for the kick off of the Kings Cross Steelers match. I got there with 15 minute to spare, only to find out that kick-off wasn't until 15:00. Luckily I met Thain and Darren there almost straight away. I'd met them last week at Comptons while watching the last matches of the Six Nations. It was really fun hanging out with them. They also had a couple with them, one of whom was really nice and friendly, the other was a bit snobby and hardly talked to me (not that I really cared with him too much, though I'm sure the others must have noticed). We watched most of the first half outside, but the wind was bracing so we came inside and watched the rest from the warmth of the clubhouse, whose main window overlooks the pitch. The Steelers played the best that I had ever seen them play and won, decisively (though could have played much better in the second half). After the match we stayed for a few more drinks, meeting a few people. I didn't get introduced to many, but one of the players Mark was chatting to us for a while. It was a shame however that we weren't introduced to the captain of the team as he was a really sexy New Zealand guy. Thain and Darren were invited to a dinner party with the other couple, but I found out that some of the players were going to The Yard for drinks, so I decided to head there (after I'd gone home for something to eat). I got to the Yard at around 21:00 and found that there was no one there that I knew or had talked to, though the sexy captain was there. I finished my drink and went to Rupert Street. I felt bored (and slightly tipsy) there and decided to head home. I changed my mind as I walked past Comptons though and headed in. I'm glad that I did as there were several really sexy muscular guys in there. I also got talking (briefly) to one of the barmen, who I'd talked to at rugby last week too. It's always good to get to know the barmen. You never know, he may also be able to introduce me to the barman there that I REALLY fancy. A longshot, but you never know. I went from there to Barcode where, as I put my coat in I had a brief chat with a quartet of guys who jokingly offered me a shoulder massage. I told the one that I fancied that I couldn't accept because I wouldn't want him to stop. They invited me to join their group a few minutes later and it was nice chatting to them. They group kept "forcing" the one I liked, Giuseppe, and myself together and eventually, when I finished my drink and felt I should go home, I asked for his number and had a lovely kiss with him. He was a really good kisser and it felt like we shouldn't stop, but I was drunk and really, really tired, so had to leave really. I will meet up with Giuseppe again, and he has promised to really give me that massage. I look forward to it. I was really tired this morning, being woken at 07:00 by someone (one of the landlord's mates) trying to get into my room AGAIN! I eventually rose at around 10:30. My sister Lynn and her clan turned up at 14:00 and we had a nice day walking around. We visited the Tate Modern (briefly) and then had a walk around the Barbican, before trying to find a suitable place to eat. Eventually going back to a Pizza Express we had passed earlier. It was such a nice day too which made it even nicer. They left at around 20:00. I so wish that I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow.

Evolution in Sport

I was pleasantly surprised when I read on PinkPaper.com that Sheffield Eagles Rugby League team would be debuting a new kit on Sunday. The kit sports the slogan:

"Homophobia - Tackle It"

This is an unprecedented initiative and I applaud it fully. It almost certainly comes on the back of Gareth Thomas, a major player in Rugby Union coming out, along with other major sports stars recently: Donal Og Cusack (Irish Hurler), Steven Davies (UK Cricketer) and most recently Anton Hysen (Swedish Footballer), all current players in their respective fields, which is the most unusual thing in all of their stories. There have been other stars of such major sports, who have come out at the end of their careers or during their retirements, but to come out while still playing is a brave thing and is to be greatly respected.
Hopefully this initiative by the Eagles will help change the attitudes of children growing up (as well as adults), seeing their heroes supporting equality, encouraging them to support their friends who may be LGBT themselves.

Long term readers may recall that I compile a database of LGBT people (which helps me provide the details for my other blog: "On This Gay Day" in which I list LGBT people who were born or died each day, as well as events in LGBT history). I've looked through this list of 6378 (to date) names and found a surprising amount of LGBT sportsmen and women. Surprising only because of the inherent inhospitable atmosphere that exists in most sports environments, sometimes caused by the players, often by the media, but more often by the (most vocal) supporters.
It may surprise some people to know that there are out LGBT people in all the following sports and more:
American Football, Baseball, Basketball, Bodybuilding, Boxing, Cricket, Curling, Cycling, Diving, Dog Sledding, Equestrian, Fencing, Field Hockey, Figure, In-Line & Speed Skating, Football (Soccer); Golf, Gymnastics, Handball, Hurling, Ice Hockey, Lacrosse, various Martial Arts, Motor Racing, Motorcycle Racing, Netball, Rock / Mountain Climbing, Rugby (Union & League); Skiing, Snowboarding, Softball, Speedboat Racing, Squash, Swimming, Tennis, Trampolining, Triathlon, Track & Field, Volleyball, Water Polo, Weightlifting, Wrestling.

I've probably missed some from my database, I am almost certainly missing some "out" athletes from my listing, and there are definitely going to be hundreds that are not out YET.
If you like sport, you are bound to follow at least one of these sports. Maybe someone you like or respect in their field is gay? If they come out, will it affect your respect for them?

I look forward to seeing the response to Sheffield Eagles emergence in their new kit on Sunday and also to whatever the next initiative will be. Isn't it about time that Football, the leading sport in the UK (and much of Europe), led the way in supporting its LGBT players and support staff. They certainly have the money to do it, more than almost any other sport I would guess. But, in a sport where players seem to be rewarded with obscene pay packets despite of, or maybe because of, their degenerate and immoral behaviour, do we really want to have some of these "stars" as spokespeople for the LGBT community?

Dreams

I had a couple of dreams last night. Firstly, a quick one, I was witnessing (either in person or watching on the television) some sort of rebel war with people running about the streets with guns. Strange thing was that the streets were a mix of Chadwell St Mary (where I grew up in Essex) and Torquay (my spiritual home, where I really became Me).
I was then woken at around 05:00 by some work going on outside the Skanska building, across the road. AGAIN. They really do not care what noise they make there out of hours. I was woken up last year when they were sawing/grinding metal for their awning at 01:00 in the morning. And that wasn't the first time. Bearing in mind that this is a mainly residential area of London that is just not on.

My next dream has made me a feel a bit melancholy today. I dreamt that I was going on a boat trip with my mum (she actually died almost 13 years ago). While we were on the boat we somehow found my dad, who had been in suspended animation in the water (he actually died when I was a young kid). the dream was a really happy one and I felt like I was remembering him and his personality again (whereas I don't actually recall what he was like, personality-wise, at all, I was too young, and he was very ill for the last year or so of his life).
My dad then disappeared from the dream and it was about my mum getting used to changes since she had "died."
It was a bit of a weird dream (aren't they all?) but it felt really nice to "see" them both again. But, just recalling the dream now is bringing tears to my eyes, so I'm gonna stop.