I Need a Holiday

No Wonder I'm Still Single

I've had a few drinks so this may not make sense, but I am fuming and very upset at the same time.
I went out tonight, thinking that no one that I knew would be out. Tim is stuck in Cardiff filming and so I was resigned to the fact that I would be out on my own. I got a text from Niall asking if I was out. I was tempted to say I wasn't, but thought that he may see me anyway so decided to be honest. He joined me in Rupert Street where I had gone after one drink in a very empty Comptons.
We had about 3 drinks there before going on to Barcode. Barcode was busy, but mainly because only the upstairs was open, as per usual on a Thursday. I was really unimpressed with the music and was tempted to leave. Niall went to the toilet and pointed out a guy who was interested in me. I thought that he had been interested in Niall and so had ignored him. I didn't see Niall again after that.
I got talking to the guy, Max, who was from the UK but had a slight Aussie accent due to living there for a while. I really thought that we were getting on alright and I even began to really open up to him. He told me that he was flying out to Barcelona tomorrow and so I assumed that he wasn't one of those guys just looking for a fuck tonight. Turns out that I was wrong. I opened up to him and admitted (if that is the right term) that I am not into fucking or being fucked. Max is a total top apparently and despite me admitting that I would like someone to teach me how to get fucked and enjoy it, he would rather get someone who liked being fucked already. He made his flimsy excuse and said he wanted to speak to a friend of his, seconds later I saw him snogging another guy.
No wonder I am single when every guy I ever get interested in only ever wants me so they can fuck me.
I really thought that this guy was a nice one, who may be willing to take it slowly with me and teach me how to enjoy being fucked (because I really do not enjoy it, and haven't been fucked for at least 12 years now). But it turns out that every guy that I meet is a complete arsehole only after one thing, to fuck my arse no matter what I want. Max was like this, Mauro was like this, several guys at the gym are like this and the unnamed guy who I gained a Calvin Klein watch off was like this, all despite me telling them upfront that I don't like being fucked. It makes me fucking despair of the shallowness of the gay scene.
All I want is to be intimate with a nice guy, to get to know them and THEN to let them experiment with maybe fucking me. I suffer for being honest with guys upfront. Why are guys such fucking arseholes?
I barely managed to hold back my tears of anger, frustration and disappointment all the way home. "F*ck*ng c*nt", is all I can think.
I guess that is what I get for letting my guard down. I normally do not let people through my armour so quickly. Serves me right I suppose.

Flat Hunting

I was just standing at my bedroom window, as I often do when I am bored, when I noticed a letting board outside the apartment building across the road. I checked out the flat on the internet and it is beautiful and a really good size. It's fourth floor, 2 double bedrooms, 2 bathrooms (1 en suite) and has all the accessories that I would need (i.e. washing machine, fridge etc). Unfortunately I can't afford it. It is quite reasonable, for a 2-bed place, but even if I did have someone to share it with I couldn't afford £200 a week for my half, and that is before any bills! I'm still waiting to see what my rent is going to go up to here. I almost wish I hadn't looked at this place now!
I've also just chased up my job transfer request too as I need to know a.s.a.p. because my CCTV licence is going to expire in the middle of August and I will need to renew it if I am going to be back at my old place.

Bored Again

Yep, I'm bored again, but I guess boredom is the least of my worries. My stomach is still a bit delicate, probably doesn't help that I've not had much fresh fruit and veg over the last 2 days, I've just not felt in the mood to cook or spend ages preparing a salad.
I've managed to keep going to the gym, and even had a good session today upping the weights on several sets. I did those abs exercises this morning again, or at least the ones that I could manage. I think I'll try to keep it up.
Nick was at the gym again, though not very chatty, I really don't get him. I'd give up if I wasn't still a bit smitten. Sad, eh?
Being a Monday night, I am really tempted to go out again tonight (obviously my stomach can't be as bad as it was), but time is getting on and no one is going to be out, that I know of. I'm intending to go out on Thursday night, so I think missing tonight won't be a bad thing (saving some money at least).
Still bored though.

The Start?

I knew something was brewing with my landlord. He's been spending a lot of time talking to the guys over the road who have just opened a letting agency, so I was expecting us all to be evicted so they could get different tenants in on contract who would have to pay tons more money for the privilege. Instead, or as a precursor, we have all received a note today telling us to pay our rent to Oscar's dad (the real landlord and pub boss) by Friday the 30th and that our rent will be going up next month, though he doesn't say to what amount.
I pay less rent than at least two of the others living here, because I got mates rates from Kevin when I moved in, so I am worried that I will now have to match their increased rate, which will mean at least an extra £100 a month (and that is just to match what they are paying at the moment!).
As I say, it could be a precursor to them imposing other fees on us (we don't pay any bills at the moment, it's all inclusive), or to them eventually moving us out. If the increase is huge I will make sure that the lock on my bedroom door is finally fixed (it's been broken for over a year) and that they do something about the mould we get every winter, among other things.
We shall have to see.

Excercise

I was chatting to Tim last night about exercise and how he can't get to the gym when he is stuck working in Cardiff. I promised him I would try and work out something for him to do, exercise-wise while he is stuck there and then this morning I saw this over on "Just Beautiful Men" and so I thought I would share it with you and him. It helps that the guy in the video has a great body. I tried the work out and it did my back in and I couldn't keep up with him, but I think I will keep trying as my abs are just starting to reappear and I want to give them all the help I can. Enjoy:

Tim's Drinks

I did go to the gym yesterday afternoon, but I certainly was not going to do a cardio session with the way my stomach was still feeling. I decided to do a chest & arms workout (which is next on my cycle of 3 work out sessions - the other being back & shoulders). I still didn't manage to do a full work out but was glad that I tried.
When I got home I intended to eat some chicken soup before going out to meet Tim for his birthday drinks, as all I had had to eat up to that point was some Marmite sandwiches. Instead I fell asleep and ended up getting to Rupert Street at 18:30 (Tim had said he would be there from 17:00), but it was fine as there were a few people already there. I started on J20 (fruit juice) and after 2 of those decided to risk a cider. The pint of cider lasted me over an hour, I wasn't enjoying it and ended up throwing half of it away.
It was a good evening with some good company (and some bad), but I must say that my friends are bloody useless when it comes to introductions. At one point we were talking in two separate groups, which happens when there are a few of you, and the other group were joined by a guy who I noticed had amazing eyes, a really pale blue colour. He was also nicely built, tanned and good looking. I didn't know who he knew in the other group but I did hear him ask who among the whole group was single (which was pretty much everyone except Tim and his boyfriend Niall). He was then joined by another guy who I assumed was his boyfriend. I later found out that it wasn't his boyfriend and that the guy, Gabriel, had said that he thought I was nice. I can't believe that no one even considered introducing us. Bloody idiots. No wonder I am single. I have to do everything for myself.
Unfortunately I was subjected to the attention of one of Richard's friends who would not leave me alone. He actually began to creep me out a little bit. I didn't find him remotely attractive, but was pleasantly surprised when I found out he was a year younger than me (as I thought he was at least 5 years older), it made me feel better about myself. I also got a few compliments about my physique, from my friends and strangers, notably my chest (this year's emphasis on v-neck tops really helps when you have a semi-decent chest).
There were quite a few gorgeous guys about, but we were stood in one place almost the whole time so it was difficult to cruise, and being polite I wanted to join in the conversations (which bizarrely ranged from toilet rolls to apples to 1960's kitchenware!!).
We later moved on to the Yard at Tim's request, though he was the only one who really wanted to go there, where promptly saw some other friends and left the rest of us sitting in a corner wondering why we were there.
We decided to move on to Barcode, but the others didn't want to pay to get in so went to the Admiral Duncan. I didn't want to go there, I've never really liked the place, so I went back to Barcode. I only had one in there before leaving and coming home though.

All in all a good night out, despite the not-drinking-much and lack of pulling! I also think that Tim might have actually liked the book that I bought him for his birthday, though I was really not sure if it would be any good (it was work related for him, but I read reviews which said it was a good reference source for those in his business, so I really hope that he likes it).

Sick

I managed to occupy my morning yesterday with little job, taking eBay stuff to the post office, taking in dry cleaning, buying wrapping paper for Tim's present which arrived this morning from Amazon (very impressed as it's my first time using them) etc. I went to the gym in the afternoon and had quite a good work out. While I was in the sauna though I began to feel a bit flu-ey, you know when you feel warm all over, I thought initially that it could just be where I was, but that feeling is irrefutable.
I got home and about an hour later I was feeling terrible. It didn't feel like flu though. It felt like I was going to have to go to the toilet for one reason or another. It turned out it was to throw up. I've not been sick (vomited) for ages. I very rarely get that drunk that I puke and I honestly can't remember the last time, let alone for being ill. I guess it must have been something that I ate, but I can't think what I'd had that could have caused it.
I was feeling that bad that I got in bed, still fully clothed and tried to sleep it off. I even had to close the window because I was cold, though my legs and feet were too hot! I slept on-and-off for 15 hours, so I obviously needed it. I now feel a bit better. My stomach is a bit tender still and I have an ache at the base of my skull which is making me want to go back to bed to sleep that off too (though too much sleep in the same position is probably what caused it in the first place!).

How typical that this should happen on the one day, during my 12 days off, when I actually have a social engagement? I am determined to go out tonight and enjoy myself, even if it means just having soft drinks all night (which will be difficult and may not do my stomach much good either, with all the acid). I am really pissed off. I guess I am going to have to give the gym a miss today too (or if I do go I certainly won't be doing the cardio session that I was planning)! I'm gonna be so bored.

And Again

It's just hit me again. Suddenly, while I was sitting here at my laptop, I just got hit by a downer. It's almost funny how instant the deepest feelings of pointlessness can hit me. I've been bored all day today and most of yesterday too to be honest. I have been thinking about how I would love to do something, or go somewhere, but to do things alone all the time makes it worse than not doing anything. For example, If I went to an exhibition I would just have myself for company and so wouldn't be able to discuss the pieces or have things explained to me, so I would just end up rushing around and not enjoying it at all.
I was sitting here trying to find something interesting on the 'net to occupy me when I clicked on Facebook, saw one of my Facebook friends (it's not important which one) and the 7 people they have just added as friends. Even though I realise that these "friends" are almost certainly nobody special to this person it made me feel even more lonely because I am not meeting people to enable me to become acquaintances. I want to meet people, but don't have the social skills to do it alone. But that is what I am most of the time, alone.
I have no one that I can call up and go for a coffee with. Just meeting someone for lunch is a mere fantasy for me. I would love to pop around to a friend's house and watch a movie or something, but I never do because there is no one to do it with. It is preposterous that I, a 38 year-old man has no friends (locally) that I can spend time with (away from a pub).
Maybe I should just quit London and move back to Torquay. I know that I have 2 dear friends down there, and many many acquaintances. I just don't know if I could survive and support myself down there (then again, if I get chucked out of this flat I know I couldn't support myself here either!). What to do?

In the mean time I guess I will just have to try and stop thinking about how bored I am and focus on the only thing I have to look forward to at the moment, going out on Saturday for Tim's (late) birthday drinks and hope that someone new and interesting there likes me (at least enough to keep in touch).
I may just have to see if I can treat myself to something nice tomorrow (even though when I went out yesterday looking for a present for Tim I came home with two tops for myself and nothing for him! Oops! At least his present is sorted now, just got to wait and see if it is delivered in time.).

Progress

I spoke today (via Facebook) to Mike who I used to work with at the job I got sacked from 3 years ago. He was the one who convinced to me to apply back there now that there has been a significant change in management. I told him that I'd emailed my area manager about the prospect, but wasn't sure that he would do anything so could Mike speak to the site manager where he is (who is my old supervisor). He has and the manager said I should send him my CV. I've asked for his email and will send it as soon as I have it.
As I've said before, I really do not want to stay in security, but I may as well get paid £10k more than I am now for doing it, at least until I can get another non-security job, and at my old site I have friends there, people who I actually want to talk to and have a laugh with. There are even some very attractive people there, and there is so much more to do I will be bored less often. I'll have to work more shifts, meaning more night shifts, but hopefully, the extra money will more than make up for it.
Fingers crossed that things go my way this time and I get back there (or even better, that I get a job that I really want).

Productivity

I had a fairly productive day yesterday, for a change. I had to get up early (early for a day off anyway) as my new bed and mattress were being delivered. They arrived at 07:40, which was great because I didn't have to hang around waiting (they initially told me between 7 and 12). I put the bed together in just over an hour, which wasn't bad considering it was meant to take 2 people and the tools they provide were less than adequate.
I also managed to post some more eBay items, did 2 lots of washing, spoke to my sister Lynn on the phone, bought new bedding and dressed the bed, went to the gym and had an hour out in the sun. By 18:30 I was feeling randy (from being in the sun and going to the gym) and, realising that it was Monday, decided to go out. I got to Comptons at 20:30, but it wasn't as good as last week. I went on to Rupert Street which was really quiet, though there were some lovely guys outside. There was also a new barman (boy) who was quite cute and nicely built who looked like he should be in Bel Ami films. And then I went on to Barcode. I was one of the first customers there and it was over an hour before a decent crowd turned up, though I did have a laugh with the bar staff. Jeremy and Tim were there, strangely Jeremy didn't give me a free drink when he served me though which was unusual. Jason, from last week and once before, was also there and we had a good laugh and sing-along to the old-school music. I eventually went back to his hotel (again). It was slightly more successful than last time, though still not 100%. I got home at around 03:00.
I didn't notice when I got in it, because I was still a bit drunk and very tired, more so because I walked home, but when I woke up I remembered I was in my new bed and realised how comfortable it was. I am so glad that I can no longer feel every single bedspring. A good purchase I think.
Today hasn't been as productive, but I have taken more stuff to the post office and I will be going to the gym later (and I really want to hook up with someone there so it probably won't happen, never does when I want or expect it).

Dreaming

I had a pleasant dream last night, though the implications that I am back to where I was emotionally a few weeks ago are not good:

I was at work, although it didn't look like the building I work in but was in the same location. I was sat by the window when I saw Nick walk past outside. I knocked on the window and waved and he came into the building through a door behind me and told me that he was on a course for work in the building. I finished work and hung around for him to finish his course. When he did I was introduced to the other people on his course and we had a bit of a laugh.
Change of scene and we were both then on a car trip with my eldest sister, my niece Molly and at least one of her 3 brothers, all of whom really got on well with Nick, when the car broke down. We were given a lift by a strange woman who drove maniacally along a narrow country road filled with potholes.

It seems pretty straight forward what my subconscious is trying to tell me: I want to be with (someone like) Nick, I am looking for a gregarious friend / partner to improve my social skills, but that I am worried about the age difference (him getting on with my niece and nephew as they are closer to his age than I am), and that I think it would be a difficult relationship. Looks like I may be slipping back into my "crush" stage with Nick again, since things have seemingly gone back to normal between us. I need something / one to take my mind off of him. Any ideas / offers?

Good Day

I slept in longer that I wanted to this morning, but still had a good, fairly productive day. I got tons of eBay items posted (I'll be listing some more items later), got some books in Forbidden Planet (okay technically they were comics), done my grocery shopping and I've been to the gym.
At the gym it was quite busy, with loads of staff and clients. There was another spectacular guy there, very similar to the guy yesterday without the tattoo. Nick was there too and he commented on today's guy. I told him to go for it. He then told me that he was "sort-of" seeing someone at the moment (who is on holiday in Mykanos), which I hope explains why he didn't call me about the drinks. We chatted like we used to so hopefully things will be back to normal now between us.
Got chatting to a guy I've said "Hi" to a few times in the gym, and had a little fun with in the sauna before, and even got to know his name this time. Had a little fun again with him and a third guy. I think I've had my fair share of affirmation this week!
I'm back to work tomorrow and I'm interested to see what my manager will say about my request for a transfer.

Do You Like Tats?

In view of my tryst this afternoon with a guy adorned with a colourful yet nice tattoo, I wonder if you like tattoos yourself and what type you prefer: